I Am Weird

I've always had this alternate me. A guy that I made up who was me, only not. He was funny, charming, and not the least bit socially awkward. He was me, but perfect, the perfect image of who I wanted to be, but never could be. The best I could ever do is emulate him, be as much like him as I could, but that would never last more that a couple of hours, and even then I wasn't exactly a good representation of my alter ego. On some of my spectacularly creative days, I would accidentally slip into character, I couldn't help it. But in these cases I was perfect, because I didn't realize I was doing it, It just happened. I, for all intents and purposes him, who most definitely is not me. In hindsight, I probably confused people with my changes - I wouldn't go as far as to say this is multiple personalities, this is different. I don't hear voices in my head, and I don't change into an unrecognized character regularly without noticing. Lately I have found that he is still there. Not that the idea was even gone, just that he was not prominent for the longest time. But what I have noticed is now I have control over it, it is no longer a he or a being, but a simple idea, vivid and powerful enough to make me able to emulate it, make it my own personality, but transparent enough to not get lost or confused in it.

The reason I have this, and what I posted last night on my mind is because of school. The ideas that we are going over in english who is actually crazy? It got me thinking about myself, about things I know, have experienced but could never tell anyone - not in person anyway. I'm a coward like that. But what I know is that I am not crazy, I see the world clearly. Sure my perceptions are a little different to other people, but if that makes me crazy, then I feel sorry for the sane people. I can't imagine myself being as blind and stupid about life as the 'normal people'.

This blog makes me feel guilty. Its like i'm breaking some rule or something. But thats irrational and I know it. I guess I'm just worried about what would happen if people I knew read this, what would they think? I'm not the same person inside and out. But who is? A Shrink would probably tell me that I am protecting myself with this external persona - to protect the real me, someone who has never truly surfaced. I think that Shrink would be right in some sense...Damn, reading psychology textbooks seems fun, but I find I just look to far into things. I think I should start to be the third, or 'original' me. Could be fun to throw myself into that. I feel like if I were to just be completely honest about everything ever in the history of the world, then It would be easier to accept myself and my situation, and be able to better myself anywhere I see fit. I don't know though. Maybe I'm trying to be mature beyond my years. I'm still a teenager, I still feel like the worlds ending when my crush doesn't text me back, or when people laugh at me. I still get paranoid and self conscious. This all reminds me of a quote from John Green, He once said:

“I try to live life so that I can live with myself.”