It's Christmas. yay.

There are times wen I am perfectly content with my situation and my life, I can be so blissfully optimistic. "I'll get a job, move out, save money and go to university - and I will fall in love along the way" that's how I wish I could see my life all the time, but that's not how I feel right now. I feel like I am a failure, barely have a high school level qualification, have no money, job or financial support from anywhere, no awards or qualifications that make employers want to hire me over anyone else. I have no direction, no drivers licence, and I just don't want to sit around for the rest of my life - but I just feel so stuck and alone and it sucks. I have mentioned many times before that I also don't have the option of flatting with other people, because all of my friends are all set and know what they are doing, and that doesn't involve moving out just yet, but I don't think I would survive myself, living another year with my parents - I'd probably hang or poison myself before Halloween, that sounds like a morbid exaggeration...but it really isn't far from the truth.
Being surrounded by people of many different medical qualifications and backgrounds is horrible, they care...but not quite enough to do anything. They will tell me that they are 99% sure I have depression, and that I definitely have social anxiety, and all this other crap that I feel like i was better off before I knew about, but then they offer no support, advise or anything - simply comments like "you'll likely be dead by 25" - I was actually told that, fantastic. I think it would be cool to be an author, though I hear it is a near impossible profession to get into, and isn't overly rewarding. I've always dreamt of being rich, and being able to run away and actually make a difference in the world, just leave this place behind and go help people. That's also something that will probably never happen, because that only ever happens to people born into the right kind of society, and I am a bit too working class for that sort of thing, working class, and yet cannot find any work...how depressing is that.

John Cusack

Wouldn't it just be so awkward if the world actually did end tonight, like against all odds and scientific - as well as religious - proof. That would be hilarious, I probably would die while lying on the ground in hysterics that the entire planets fucked up so bad. On the other hand...everyone would be dying...that would put a downer on the whole situation.

I wonder what John Cusack is doing right now? I mean, I doubt he actually believes in the end of the world happening today, only an idiot could, but to be fair, he spent months working on a movie about the subject, I'm sure he will be doing something interesting at least. Personally, I'm just sitting here, alone, in an empty house, on the internet - Just waiting for nothing to happen so I can see the Internets reaction, the go to bed. Because that's my life now, I realized that when I was filling out my immigration forms when I was traveling, they all ask for your occupation and that's when I realized that "Holy shit, I can't say student anymore...I'm unemployed". Not a great feeling to be honest, but it was a first so it was interesting none-the-less.
I love firsts, there is something oddly exhilarating about them, even the mundane things. I Like to think of a lot of things as firsts, just in different scenarios 'This is the first time doing X with this person' that sort of thing - Yes, i am aware of the sexual implication that may have implied...My bad...

Fishing Boat Proceeds

I got a new phone today, saw some friends, briefly, I was exhausted, and still am, from travel. I hate this tiredness stuff - I have sorta maybe kinda given up the one thing that was keeping me alive for the last few years - which is V energy drink. I am doing well at the moment, But I know I would be able to recover from this stupid Jet lag stupidness if I could just have some of that delicious nectar, but I wont. I don't have a very addictive personality, so if I actually want to give something up, I almost certainly can - I believe this to be one of the reasons behind my detachment to stuff. Like physical possessions - of which I have little. Though another reason behind this could be the fact that possessions annoy me, they make people to absorbed in things that they forget about important things, they live life for the stuff, and not for life. In Australia, i visited the richest of the rich places, and I mean filthy stinking rich - there were people with luxury cruise ships sitting next to there fleet of airships, on there helipad in their massive backyard on the ocean. They were loaded. While there I saw an assortment of boats for sale, these boats were beautiful and massive, and I just thought about how cool it would be to own one and just live on it in the middle of the ocean, detached from the rest of the world, but then it struck me that the people who own these multi-million dollar vessels have far too much money for that, they would only take these ships out once in a blue moon, and forget about it the rest of the time. So no, I don't want one of these ships, not if it means that I become more obsessed with my love for money and things that my love for people, life and experiences.

Still very tired, So I'll leave this here.

Jet-Lag

I can't sleep (jetlag?) and I just want to write.

So apparently I got an award from a school I went to for a year and, being honest, didn't put much effort into  stuff there. Is that a statement about the quality of the school or my genius? =P
I started writing a novel the other day, I'm only a couple of pages in - I'm writing in by hand so I'm not distracted and wont go back and edit entire sections. This book is going to be a full novel of drafted crap idea that (maybe) one day will become something a bit more fleshed out. I don't want to give away any information about it though because a) nobody actually cares anyway and b) It's an idea that I don't think people would understand coming from me unless you knew me.
A couple of weeks ago I made a post about my life, a sort of crash course of me - the post came from me when I was overly stressed, very upset and not really in a fit state to be sharing my feelings with the world. For the time being I'll leave it up on here, but If at anytime I feel like it is not what people need to see and know about me then I will take it down. I don't regret those feelings, I simply regret sharing them.
My parents are separated  and I think any child of divorce will tell you, when parents slit up they change drastically and rapidly. The changes are continuing even after, what? 3 years maybe? And I'm just tired, that's all - I'm tired of being used as a weapon to attack each other, I'm sick of the swings in attention I get, and I'm sick of not being treated the way a normal kid would be. Lets just say I had a...different childhood to most. It's moments like these that I truly and wholly wish, from the bottom of my being that I could believe in some higher being - God. I honestly wish I could so that I could pray and ask for help, and more important forgiveness, but I can't, because there is no way for me to undo who I am or rewire the way I think. Don't get me wrong though, I don't think religious people have it easy, no - they have to deal with more or less the same stuff as everyone, but they always, no matter how hard life gets, they always have (or at least believe they have) someone watching over them, to talk to, help, and love. That's something I deeply envy, but also believe can be obtained by finding a 'soul mate' or 'true love' and being with them - ok, maybe not quite the same.
Liking someone and knowing you can never tell them, or know if they could like you back, or all the 'normal' stuff...well it sucks. People say that these situations don't exist and that you should always follow your heart, but honestly, if there is even a small chance of it leading to hurting someone I care about, then no, I will not do it. I would rather smile, and act like all is fine, and maybe even tell a few lies to keep the act up. Because that's what friendship is right?
Next year I'm staying here, getting a job or doing a course, or both, I don't know. I'd like to get a flat and get some freedom, I'd like to do this with friends, but the likelihood of this happening is slim. I mean, firstly I don't have a lot of friends, and then a few of those I do have are moving away, then of those who remain, there is a group of people who have already got everything sorted out perfectly and then the rest, who are content on staying with their parents for another year - I can't understand how they could consciously choose that, but who am I to judge.
I went to Australia, of the noble learning that I bring back with me, there is one that hits home harder than the rest - I need to start living, like properly living before the opportunity is taken away from me. I also learnt to only travel with people who treat you like an equal, and have qualities that you look up to - Friends.
Speaking of Friends, I haven't seen them - any of them, for a while...Too long by my count. It'd be nice to catch up with them. end of the world thing? Christmas? New Years? My Birthday? You don't really need an excuse to see friends. They've seen each other lately, it's just that I've been overseas that I've missed them.
I haven't really talked about Australia, I'll do a detailed post some time but heres the summary:
-I High Fived a Sting Ray
-Patted a Kangaroo
-Held a Koala
-Got Swooped by a bat
-Told off by a Magician
-Went to a Christmas in the park event (Turned out to be very Christian, Still great though)
-Hugged a Vampire
-Met the Flash
-Got saved by Superman
-Saved Superman
-Rode a Duck into the ocean
-Found Condoms on the beach
-Met a fortune teller who wore a bad Wig (HI JOY!)
-Bought a Greek coin that had been fashioned into a ring (For ironys sake)
-Bought some art
-Bought a video camera
-and a kindle
-Won a Squid
-Bought some cups
-Did a loop on a slide
-Picked up a Jellyfish
-Touched the butt Boat
-Ate the hottest Jerky ever
-Gave up V
-Had a Slurpy
-Found out my blood pressure (It was bad news...Having a stroke is imminent =P)
-Traveled from 0km to 110kph in 2 seconds
-Bought the key to Arkham Asylum
-ADVENTURE TIME MERCHANDISE!
-Saw a stunt show
-Watched the sun rise at3:30am
-and set at 6:00pm

Thats all the interesting stuff I can think of right now, I'll do more later.
Starting to feel tired now, I'll update with more soon enough.

I'm home, and the flight attendant didn't even say welcome home =(

I just got back from Australia today. Wow, it was great. I am tired though and I really can't be bothered spending too much time blogging about everything that comes to mind.

My phone got broken by Australia though, so theres that, and I missed so much fun stuff going on here while I was away which is somewhat upsetting. I also came back to the sudden realization that I need a job, considering I have no more financial support from my parents. fun stuff. So I guess I need to get a job and go to Ucol. All I really wanna do at the moment is get out of here, I mean move out. I know it would be cheaper not to, but I think it's something I just need to do. Also, I want to see my friends, It's been ages, seriously.

I'll blog a bit more later about everything that's going on, and there's a lot, I mean, I thought traveling is supposed to broaden the mind and make everything clear and more obvious, and In a way that happened, but I find myself more sure about things that make me confused and it's just annoying. But whatever, I'll write about it another time.

ALSO - I'm thinking of starting a proper vlog thing, not sure about it at the moment though, I need people to help me pleeeeeeeeees