Hahahahaha. I'm socially retarded and cowardly.

Story Time!

I often write stories, and give up and delete it a couple of pages in. So recently I have moved onto short stories, they are all crap and I still delete them, so I have decided that I should keep them - for what other reason than for shits and giggles. So here is the most recent piece of trash literature:

                                                                                                                                                                      

You have such a mundane life, day after day, a monotonous cycle of meaningless tasks that benefit you how? And I mean really benefit you, how is that going to help you when you are on your deathbed, waiting for the grim reaper to collect you. How are these memories going to comfort you? Last week you went to the store to buy some milk. You died on the way, nothing exciting, just a car accident; your mangled remains where pulled from the wreckage, on the way to the morgue your heart started and you woke up, in the end your body suddenly became a warrior, fighting for you because it’s the only thing it could do.

In hospital your heart stopped seven times, pieces of shrapnel from the crash found their way to you lungs and heart, and over the course of your visit you were sent to surgery four times. That’s why you are here now, you are ‘recovering’. The human body is a remarkable machine, and people never have, and never will understand the body to its full potential. Scientists have theorised that there is a whole dimension of time sitting above us, if humans were to reside there, in theory, they would be able to travel through time itself. But alas we sadly cannot. But if you could, you would; you have so much to regret, so much you would change if you had the chance. But now it is too late, the doctors were in here a few minutes ago to tell you that they didn’t think you would make it to the end of the week - that sucks. You knew that all that drinking would catch up to you, now that all this medication is ripping through your liver. Back in college you loved the beer though didn’t you?  Fifteen years eight months and three days ago you were at a party, you were more intoxicated than you had ever been, and you weren’t even done. You drank for three days straight after that party. But you know all of that, even though your memory is still a little fuzzy, the morphine the doctor gave you isn’t helping you concentrate either. But what you don’t know is that once you fell asleep during the drink-a-thon, you choked on your own vomit and died in your sleep, but when you woke up you continued drinking. You didn’t even realise what had happened.

Some people believe that there are multiple different realities all stacked up next to each other, the ones closer to us are very similar to our own, but as they get further away, the differences become more dramatic and obvious. When you were seven your dog ran away and you never saw it again, but in one of these neighbouring realities, your dog grew old living with you and died a month and two days before your seventeenth birthday. Speaking of being seventeen, that was how old you were when you fell into a deep depression and tried to overdose on pain pills, you had a whole box of the stuff. The last thing you remember is foaming at the mouth – after that you began convulsing and stopped breathing. You were lying in bed when that happened; you woke up in the morning and couldn’t bring yourself to tell your parents what you attempted to do. Someone must be looking out for you, huh? Because you have had some luck with all of these ‘resurrections’.

Your parents never told you this, but it’s about time you knew. You were born at home, too quickly for the midwife to be there so it was just your mother and father in the house. Somehow you managed to get your umbilical cord wrapped around your neck, you came out purple. Your father tried to resuscitate you but was unsuccessful, when the midwife arrived fifteen minutes later; he tried as well, before finally pronouncing you dead. Five minutes after which you took your first breath. Your parents said it was a miracle, and it was; and that is why you were baptised, and was forced to go to church every Sunday until you left home. Looking back it seems a bit counterproductive doesn’t it? Church one of the key reasons you are an atheist today. I can tell you this, if being a Christian wasn’t forced upon you as a kid, you would have a very different spirituality than you have now; Hell, your parents would still be talking to you as well. They were just upset is all; they put so much effort into trying to raise you as a good Catholic child, you not being a theist like they wanted just crushed them.

Well, that’s all I have to tell you about your past, I hope that you can understand. In your Sixty third year, your heart will give out, you will be walking down the street in your neighbourhood when it gets you, but it will be over an hour before anyone finds you, and by then it is too late, you will be getting up and walking away. When you are sixty-two it will be too late, that’s why I am here talking to you. Don’t let it take that long for you to realise. Your friend Cameron died last week. Bitten by a poisonous snake if I recall, he was on his fourteenth world trip, this time to the South American rainforest. He had lived, made his mark and had his fill. The universe let him have his peace. Call it god, call it science, call it what you want, the bottom line is that it’s time. Wake up. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

A little bit of nothing

Last day of term today. It was...good. I always feel like something exciting should happen on the last day, and then I remember that I could make things interesting, just say what I think all the time and I I will surely cause some sort of controversy. It's all standard teenage secret stuff, but that's the best kind. I wanted to today, talk I mean. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, because even though I wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions for a few weeks, they would be there when we go back, I would have to face the music at one point or another, and I'm a coward like that, because It could go well or terrible.
But i'm tired, I want to sleep but I can't so that is all for today.

Emotion! - A work of Semi-fiction

You know what the worst part about going to a new school is? New people, conversely that is also the best thing. New people are great I mean, you get a chance at a first impression and all the rest, you make new friends, new enemies, whatever but you also can also meet that one type of person. That one type of person that you will meet so few of in your life that people sometimes think there is only one of these people each they call them 'the one'. I call them awesome people. Kinda different viewpoint but whatever. These people are just those that you want to be best friends with, and spend so much time with, even though you cant. These people are the kind that you fall for oh so easily, the ones that have no flaws in your eyes, just cute little habits. Then why is it so hard to tell these people how you feel? It's there, it's obvious, but it's complicated, more complicated than anything, because of one simple fact. Just because someone is your 'one' doesn't mean that you are theirs. That, my friends, is on of life's most horrible truths. Sure people will tell you that the criteria for the one is that they feel the same way about you, but that is just ridicules, because if that were the case, there would be no romance, no chase, just pure, blind love. The older you get, the stronger these connection become, as a child they are hardly even present, then puberty happens and suddenly there they are, not those...I mean the love thing...filthy bastard. And as you grow older, you become more alone, you have more time to understand the feeling, to long for it, search for it. So that when you finally feel it, you know exactly what it is, because unlike when you are a teenager, it is full blown love at first sight...well, not quite, but you feel it pretty early on in the meeting them period. Anyway, to go back to my original point, when you feel this, even lightly as a teenager, no matter how stupid or insane it is, you can't help but feel it. Because it's not all sunshine and lollipops, it's pain, and that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt. No matter how many times you are lucky enough to find a person like this, and unlucky enough to be destroyed by these feelings, nothing is worse, nothing, than knowing that they probably don't and most likely ever will, feel the same way.

String Theory

I have sorted out my hall of residence thingy for university, or rather, I handed the job off to the careers adviser  She didn't yell at me like I though she would, I'd never met her and I was surprised to find that she was lovely and took care of everything. even though my chances of getting a place in a hall are bleak, I like the fact that I at least gave it a go. Also, I now know what I need to do to get into University, some of it seems easy, other stuff looks a little more difficult. But I got six credits in one class today, all I need to do is finish two more assessments and that class is done for the year. we had a meeting about a leaving school today. All  I can think is that suddenly I want more time. I have wanted to grow up and leave school my whole life, and now that it is almost over, and I am at another school, I want more time. I just don't think I am ready to say goodbye to people, maybe forever, that I just met this year. I know it is common for people to go through something like this. High school hasn't changed, it is still as harsh and unforgiving as it has always been, but now that it's almost over, I'm starting to pick at the good things that I realize I am going to miss. The hardest part is the people though, I mean there are people I can't wait to get away from, but there are also others who...yea, anyways This is all that has been on my mind recently, I walked out on a maths lesson to get some of this university stuff done - Because I AM over high school. It's been nearly thirteen years. Thirteen. It's weird to think of it that way, and I've just signed up for another few at university. Well done Tom, good job at your hypocritical logic. Why do you experience time faster when you get older, I don't like it, I don't even mind the whole dying thing, but It's the people part of time, they are going to leave me, which I accept - I have come to terms with the fact that people I love are going to die, but I don't think I'm ever going to be OK with having to put other people through that when I go. Of course I am being rather optimistic in thinking that anyone is going to care that I'm dead, but whatever. Perhaps it would be better, leaving this world quietly, not making a fuss or worrying anyone, not leaving a scratch on the face of humanity. But that means I would be doomed into a painfully dull life, or an extraordinarily exciting one, I can't decide which. I'm sort of just bouncing around topics here, but whatever, this blog is for me and my amusement, and I guess the amusement for any beautiful people who decide it is important enough to read. But I am not destined for great things, I'm not going to bring world piece, start WWIII or invent the next big thing, I am going to have fun, that's it. Because my belief, or lack thereof, can be somewhat depressing for someone who does nothing for the human race in his lifetime, sometimes I wish there was a god, or at the very least, I wish I could believe in one, so that I can be grateful or humble or any of that other stuff. But no, who I am is a choice, not sculpted by any religion or God, and that is what I want, that is what I think is best. It's quite funny, I used to love debates about religion, I don't even know why, I guess I just wanted to be smug in the fact that I 'knew' I was right no matter what, I don't know. But now, I really don't want to, talking about religion actually sometimes annoys me, it's not me being a closet Atheist or anything. I'm not, infact I am proud to be so. It's just that I understand, I guess I get it, why people believe, how they believe. They, for the most part, see something amazing and beautiful, and I want nothing to do with even attempting to take that away from them. In some way I am envious, but at the same time not. I don't know, It's weird and complicated and heavy. Religion really is too heavy for something so simple, and light like this. I'm thinking of minoring in religious studies at University, I think having no religion would be helpful when studying others, I find peoples beliefs interesting, but not so much the depth of consequence of them. Religious wars aren't that interesting to me. The thing is that I think religious studies will help me on my way to my dream of becoming the ultimate person reader. That may not be a career path but I think it would be cool to be able to understand people with such depth, even if you have never met them. That dream is kind of ironic considering my social standing with the world, I am a certifiable socially awkward penguin. So there is a party at my place tomorrow, not my party though. It's my Dad's engagement party, I think that means I am obligated to make an appearance, so there will be a bunch of people dressed all nice and proper, then me. In a hoodie, and sneakers. Smooth. This IS just a string of random though, but I can't stop adding too it, once you start spilling brain shit all over the internet it becomes incredibly hard to stop. I will stop now...for the time being anyway, otherwise I may get all open and emotional and awkward...maybe or something.

So, I slept in. by a lot. But before I finally passed out from exhaustion last night I came upon an idea of going to university next year, instead of the planned trip to England. The weird thing is that I find the idea of university much more exciting than going overseas. I don't know why. I suppose it is just that I just want to fit in, just move on. I'm not sure but even though I spent the day finding out how financially impossible University is, I still want to do it, I want to try at least. Even though I am late to come to this realization, Considering applications for a hall of residence closes in a week. I think I can do it, and it will be worth it in the long run. Maybe I don't need a hall of residence, I mean, I could try for a flat even though it would be more expensive overall. But if I had a flatmate, then it wouldn't be so bad. But everyone I know who is going to University has already sorted themselves out.

Blog Myself to Sleep

I am very tired. Very. Tired. I am mental when I am tired, as In demonstrated to some people yesterday, when I was still awake at 7am. When I'm tired, I wouldn't say I talk more than normally, but I talk more substance, more truth, more...secrets. I mean there are still things that I would never say when I am tired because even in a state of exhaustion, I can still see the line, no matter how blurred it gets. I should do some more productive things with my time, anything beats sitting here on my computer, just thinking about people - or person. It's strange how one person can throw us through a loop like that, well, me anyway. I don't know about other people. One person who you just think about because, for no other reason but you want to. I am so very tire, this is annoying because I write things without thinking. Just came to a horrible epiphany that I should go to university next year, despite the fact I haven't planned for it...I am so confused, and I'm running out of time.

Shooting Star

Yesterday I was at a friends birthday party, we were all outside in a field planning to play a game of spotlight. It was late, like near midnight. I got bored of the conversations and just looked up, not unusual, I like looking at the stars, it sometimes helps to give me perspective. But anyway, I looked up, and within a second, I saw a shooting star. And yes, I made a wish, even though I don't necessarily believe in that sort of thing, I figure there is no harm in honoring an age old tradition. This is the first shooting star I have seen in my life, and I can't help but think that when we are on the spot, have a second to choose a wish, we go to a very self centered area and wish for something stupid. While I am not going to say what I wished for in that tiny moment in time I was given to make a wish, I do believe I was selfish, and asked for something that is probably wished for far too much and it doesn't benefit anyone, apart from the wisher, and even then, it's not a lot. But I did, I made a wish, and I don't know, I mean it's the type of wish that I might never know if it will come true, it could come true without me even knowing - and that would be worse that not getting the wish at all. I don't know, at the party I was reminded all to mush that I am not overly liked or appreciated, that I am very alone, and separate, but not the only one, and also, that I am still a kid. But at the moment I do, I feel lonely, and I think that is worst feeling in the world. Being alone means that there is nobody at your side to help you, not even someone to talk to about your day and troubles. That is the most tragic part, especially when you know someone that you want to be able to talk to, not even anything romantic like dating, just someone who you want to talk to about things, but you don't feel like they will accept you when they realize all the crazy that goes on in your head.

Thoughts from the past.

I Wrote this month ago and I have no idea what I was talking about. I mean, I understand the conception I conveyed in this post but I honestly, for the life of me cannot understand what led me to feel the feeling that led to writing this post:

It's funny how you can think you know something and you've seen it before, but then suddenly realize that it is in no way a good representation of what you thought it was.
People aren't genuine, I thought I had seen genuine happiness, I thought it could just come along one day and be gone the next. I though a simple trip to an amusement park could make someone truly happy. I was so very wrong, in such a way that I couldn't realize I was wrong until I had seen true happiness, see people so happy and content with what they had, where they were in their lives at each moment. I had never seen, and certainly not felt, happiness like this before. It's so strange. But once you know, everything has to change. It's seems like a tiny thing but it's not, it's huge. It has changed how I see things. But I like to think of it as an improvement - A year when your views on the world havn't changed once is a year wasted.

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It's strange that you can be so sure of something one day, be bristling with these emotions that you think you will never forget, and they will never go away, but then you can look back, days, weeks, months, even years later, and not even remember what it was all about.