Blog post

So, it's been a few months...Sorry about that. Whats new...

Well, I'm Eighteen - it feels almost exactly the same to seventeen but I don't know what I expected. Some sort of transformation maybe - wake up with a huge beard? No, I'm exactly the same. =P
My Father got married, and then went on a honeymoon for 4 weeks, leaving me home alone the whole time. That was cool I guess, got bored and lonely toward the end there though. I got my licence over those four weeks though, and I have been driving around town on a scooter like a lunatic, I never seen to have anywhere to drive to though, so that's kinda sad I suppose. I don't really have that many close friends any more - Nobody that I talk to everyday of hang out with outside of ucol on a regular basis. I mean, I went to a party get together thing with a couple of people from school a few weeks ago, and it was kinda strange, of the people there I was one of the more successful, there were four of us that were in some sort of school, two were at university the other two, myself included, are a ucol - seems like the ones that aren't in school are having more fun though. That was a bit competitive of me, success can't be measured that way, although I am about six months away from my diploma =P. I miss hanging out with my friends from school, but everyone seems to have split off into their own groups, kinda bitter sweet really. I spent nearly two grand on a new computer - so I'm in debt...just a little.
I'm sorry, I'm distracted by the friends thing...I've been sitting here staring at my screen for quite a while thinking about it. The thing is, I've never really had close friends, like...never ever in my life. I guess I just don't open up as much as other people? The thing is I'd like to, the closest to my friends I have been is sorta my friends from last year, who, as I said, are all off doing their own things now. Bitter sweet. Problem is, I'm not so good at the meeting new people thing...I'm not gonna say I'm awkward or that I'm terrible or whatever - I've learnt that when people say that they may get some sympathy, but it really does them no good. You are who you are, whether it's God that made you that way, or your own choices - point is, you are who you are right now and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can be better. But it's kinda interesting about what made us the way we are - personally I don't believe in a God to do so, but even if there is one, it doesn't matter (I know that can be interpreted badly but bare with me) because I'm here now anyway, regardless of how or why - I'm here now. Might as well be the best I can possibly be and that's it. If there is a God though, he is very good at covering his tracks and hiding himself - from me, and other Atheists anyway. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I wish I could understand, and believe in a God (or The God If you like) but on the other hand, there are some people who are strongly against religion and that's terrible in some ways - and there are some things I disagree with strongly from religion, such as the famous treatment of homosexual relationships and stuff like that. But a denomination that follows the bible in the purest sense - for the sake of a love for humanity and a love for a God (Which, as an atheist, would convert to me as a love for the earth, and the universe, and the fact that we are all even here) - Thats the type of Christianity and community I think is simply brilliant, there is just something so pure about that. But as far as I know, there is no (large anyway) denomination that does just that with no extremists or fundamentalists to ruin it. Maybe there is, I never ended up studying religion, like I planned to. Believing in God sounds peaceful (in some cases) don't get me wrong though, there is a certain relaxation about by absence of belief too.

I got some A- 's from some tests the other day, that was pretty sweet.

Thats all I have to say.

=)

ADULTHOOD!

I really don't know what to say. Apart from the same thing I have been saying on here for a while, this is no more a blog than it is a collection of Parrot Stories. I have gotten into the course at ucol, I hope I can enjoy it, but the idea of giving up 3 more years of my life keeps running through my head and making me scared, I mean, what if it's a waste? But that's what I have talked about before, and repeating myself doesn't do any good apart from getting me wound up. I get wound up about situations quite easily, I mean, my father is getting remarried in a couple of months, and one of my new step-sisters is getting on my nerves so bad, I am on the verge disassociating myself with the lot of them, also, I know that they talk about me - I'll occasionally catch a whisper or something about me, not many pleasantries are passed either. But to be honest, I gain solace in the fact that I don't want or need the approval of uneducated gossips. That may sound mean, but I have spent enough time with these people to know that's all there is to them. Not all of them are bad, though, just a couple that are real nerve biters.
I want to move out of home as soon as possible, I think being more independent would be good for my mental health. I was talking to a friend about this the other day and he said if we could find some more people, and if he gets into his course, then he would flat with me - considering I don't know many people that are hanging around looking for flats, I don't think we are going to be flatting together anytime soon.
I had some Jehovah's witnesses return to my doorstep this morning, they came to talk to me a few weeks ago, and we had a civil conversation, which I did tell them that I was an atheist and believed in Science, so today they dropped off a booklet about why evolution isn't real. Yea...but I was nothing but polite to them, they're entitled to do their thing, just as I am mine.
Things are pretty much the dame as they have always been - I'm still broke, I still have social anxiety, though recently I have found ways to combat this, it's not entirely gone, but Progress is happening - and It is all thanks to an article I read about Daniel Tosh having social anxiety too. i am still so very alone =P - and I'm eight days away from being eighteen! Finally, though, I don't feel like I should be trusted with all of the responsibilities of being an adult. I mean, I had to enrol to vote the other day - Who's idea was it to let me have a say in who has control over this county!? Why am I allowed to own firearms? Buy alcohol? go to bars, and clubs and get hookers and  own a house...though none of this actually sounds appealing to me...not a big drinker, and I don't hunt, and I have no interest in catching chlamydia or getting a home loan to last a lifetime. ADULTHOOD!

The worst I have ever felt in my life, emotionally not painfully, is finding out that the people I had associated myself with for many years where very...bigoted - fun story: I stood up for someone they insulted and they didn't like that, so I pretty much became Hitler or something to them, and just like that I was alone and actually in pain (should be noted, both emotional and physical, in my defense I was outnumbered vastly).

I bring this up because right now I am at a close second, or maybe a new first, I don't know. But I feel different anyway, it's not quite so sharp and striking, more like a dull ache that continually reminds you that you are alone, and the people that are supposed to be your family are slowly but surely turning your brain to sludge and I actually think are trying to kill me...yea, that's a thing. But I honestly don't know if I am going to be able to cling so desperately to this shed of sanity and normality that I have barely done for as long as I can remember - I actually cannot do it anymore, maybe if stuff wasn't happening around me that I can't ignore, maybe if I could just sit here and concentrate on blocking the shit out, but that isn't an option anymore, like it has been previously. Doesn't help that I haven't seen a friendly face for months - it has just been a monotonous mesh of one thing to another, and a hell of a lot of waiting, just waiting, not for anything in particular. Just anything really, something to make me feel better, less along, less like an outcast.
I'm sort of blabbering now, probably not portraying myself as well as I'd like, or usually would - so that is it, all I have to say for now. Bye.

This has been a post

I had to sign a contract today, saying that I understand that taking out a loan to fund my study is going to ruin my life forever, that really sucked. It sucked because suddenly everything felt real, and it was like I was selling my life because it's what 'you're supposed to do'. I think it's bullshit that people are supposed to do anything. There are those who look for guidance from others, or even a higher power, and put some much faith in this thing that they are willing to resign their lives over to whatever they say, I thought about this for a while and got quite upset - it wasn't pretty =p . But I realized that, yes, there are people who believe that maybe a God is going to tell them what to do, or give them a sign - being an atheist, I felt sorry for these people who completely lacked control over their own existence, but then I thought about it and I just felt like a dick for even thinking that in the first place. Some people need that in their life, and whether their belief is true or not, it doesn't matter - because I am doing the same thing, I'm doing something I am moderately interested in because it is what I have been taught is normal and right. For some reason that reality doesn't matter to me compared to how much it worries me that other people, people I care about, are doing the same as I, but I'm a different person now, and I'm sure they are too.
I feel like my life is a mess before it has even started, I need a job, I need a licence, I need a flat, and I just need people - I literally go crazy without good people around me.
I don't know, I'm feeling weird tonight, I have spent the last few days alone and I think it's starting to affect me - all I know is that I have been thinking too much, and I miss people, though I have been missing people for a long time now. And I can't shake the feeling I'm going to be alone for a lot of my life.

It's 3am, go to sleep

Looks like I'm going to ucol for a semester, though I don't know If I want to just do a semester or get a bachelors degree there, I mean it's three years of my life, I'll be 21 by the time I have the qualification, I know that doesn't seem so bad, I mean I'm still young, but I feel like whatever decision I make will shape what I do for the rest of my life. I have narrowed my choices down significantly to: A culinary course that lasts a semester, but only allows you to work in a supervised kitchen environment - but can be followed up by a second semester to get a higher level certificate; A hospitality course that includes bar-tending to waiting, and I know that this would be amazing in terms of getting a job, plus it's only one semester, but to be fair this would not be my only study ever, it see it as, if i do it, a way of getting a good job while I study more, plus you have to be eighteen to do it, and it starts a week before my birthday :'( ; then there are a couple of IT related course, one being a basic course that looks interesting, and it's one semester long, but I don't think it would be very valuable, the other is a full bachelors diploma for three years. I'm still interested in Psychology at university, but it is too late to apply for that for this semester, so I can take a semester course at ucol, then go do the psychology degree, or I could spend an entire year doing something, or any other combination.

I have decisions to make, and on top of everything, I reeeeaaaallly want to move out into a place that....isn't with any of my family...That seems a little harsh but I really can't stand some of the pointless dramas that get put on me, besides, it's time I flew the coop, and all I need is money, a place to move, and some people to flat with so that I can reasonable afford to live...I'd like to flat with friends...but that's unlikely - to be fair I don't know exactly what everyone is doing, so I can't really assume anything, But at the same time I don't think any of them would be that keen to flat with me - that's not a judgement of their personalities but rather mine - sometimes I don't feel like they enjoy my company as much as I do theirs, I have actually been going slowly insane not being able to talk to anyone for the last few weeks - and I mean anyone, I have been completely cut off from people, probably because I am antisocial and all that stuff...I should really talk to people, rather than just blogging about how I feel =P They don't read my blog, or know it even exists (not entirely true, I know of one person who knows this blog exists) so this is legitimately pointless.

Blerg.

It's Christmas. yay.

There are times wen I am perfectly content with my situation and my life, I can be so blissfully optimistic. "I'll get a job, move out, save money and go to university - and I will fall in love along the way" that's how I wish I could see my life all the time, but that's not how I feel right now. I feel like I am a failure, barely have a high school level qualification, have no money, job or financial support from anywhere, no awards or qualifications that make employers want to hire me over anyone else. I have no direction, no drivers licence, and I just don't want to sit around for the rest of my life - but I just feel so stuck and alone and it sucks. I have mentioned many times before that I also don't have the option of flatting with other people, because all of my friends are all set and know what they are doing, and that doesn't involve moving out just yet, but I don't think I would survive myself, living another year with my parents - I'd probably hang or poison myself before Halloween, that sounds like a morbid exaggeration...but it really isn't far from the truth.
Being surrounded by people of many different medical qualifications and backgrounds is horrible, they care...but not quite enough to do anything. They will tell me that they are 99% sure I have depression, and that I definitely have social anxiety, and all this other crap that I feel like i was better off before I knew about, but then they offer no support, advise or anything - simply comments like "you'll likely be dead by 25" - I was actually told that, fantastic. I think it would be cool to be an author, though I hear it is a near impossible profession to get into, and isn't overly rewarding. I've always dreamt of being rich, and being able to run away and actually make a difference in the world, just leave this place behind and go help people. That's also something that will probably never happen, because that only ever happens to people born into the right kind of society, and I am a bit too working class for that sort of thing, working class, and yet cannot find any work...how depressing is that.

John Cusack

Wouldn't it just be so awkward if the world actually did end tonight, like against all odds and scientific - as well as religious - proof. That would be hilarious, I probably would die while lying on the ground in hysterics that the entire planets fucked up so bad. On the other hand...everyone would be dying...that would put a downer on the whole situation.

I wonder what John Cusack is doing right now? I mean, I doubt he actually believes in the end of the world happening today, only an idiot could, but to be fair, he spent months working on a movie about the subject, I'm sure he will be doing something interesting at least. Personally, I'm just sitting here, alone, in an empty house, on the internet - Just waiting for nothing to happen so I can see the Internets reaction, the go to bed. Because that's my life now, I realized that when I was filling out my immigration forms when I was traveling, they all ask for your occupation and that's when I realized that "Holy shit, I can't say student anymore...I'm unemployed". Not a great feeling to be honest, but it was a first so it was interesting none-the-less.
I love firsts, there is something oddly exhilarating about them, even the mundane things. I Like to think of a lot of things as firsts, just in different scenarios 'This is the first time doing X with this person' that sort of thing - Yes, i am aware of the sexual implication that may have implied...My bad...