It's Christmas. yay.

There are times wen I am perfectly content with my situation and my life, I can be so blissfully optimistic. "I'll get a job, move out, save money and go to university - and I will fall in love along the way" that's how I wish I could see my life all the time, but that's not how I feel right now. I feel like I am a failure, barely have a high school level qualification, have no money, job or financial support from anywhere, no awards or qualifications that make employers want to hire me over anyone else. I have no direction, no drivers licence, and I just don't want to sit around for the rest of my life - but I just feel so stuck and alone and it sucks. I have mentioned many times before that I also don't have the option of flatting with other people, because all of my friends are all set and know what they are doing, and that doesn't involve moving out just yet, but I don't think I would survive myself, living another year with my parents - I'd probably hang or poison myself before Halloween, that sounds like a morbid exaggeration...but it really isn't far from the truth.
Being surrounded by people of many different medical qualifications and backgrounds is horrible, they care...but not quite enough to do anything. They will tell me that they are 99% sure I have depression, and that I definitely have social anxiety, and all this other crap that I feel like i was better off before I knew about, but then they offer no support, advise or anything - simply comments like "you'll likely be dead by 25" - I was actually told that, fantastic. I think it would be cool to be an author, though I hear it is a near impossible profession to get into, and isn't overly rewarding. I've always dreamt of being rich, and being able to run away and actually make a difference in the world, just leave this place behind and go help people. That's also something that will probably never happen, because that only ever happens to people born into the right kind of society, and I am a bit too working class for that sort of thing, working class, and yet cannot find any work...how depressing is that.

John Cusack

Wouldn't it just be so awkward if the world actually did end tonight, like against all odds and scientific - as well as religious - proof. That would be hilarious, I probably would die while lying on the ground in hysterics that the entire planets fucked up so bad. On the other hand...everyone would be dying...that would put a downer on the whole situation.

I wonder what John Cusack is doing right now? I mean, I doubt he actually believes in the end of the world happening today, only an idiot could, but to be fair, he spent months working on a movie about the subject, I'm sure he will be doing something interesting at least. Personally, I'm just sitting here, alone, in an empty house, on the internet - Just waiting for nothing to happen so I can see the Internets reaction, the go to bed. Because that's my life now, I realized that when I was filling out my immigration forms when I was traveling, they all ask for your occupation and that's when I realized that "Holy shit, I can't say student anymore...I'm unemployed". Not a great feeling to be honest, but it was a first so it was interesting none-the-less.
I love firsts, there is something oddly exhilarating about them, even the mundane things. I Like to think of a lot of things as firsts, just in different scenarios 'This is the first time doing X with this person' that sort of thing - Yes, i am aware of the sexual implication that may have implied...My bad...

Fishing Boat Proceeds

I got a new phone today, saw some friends, briefly, I was exhausted, and still am, from travel. I hate this tiredness stuff - I have sorta maybe kinda given up the one thing that was keeping me alive for the last few years - which is V energy drink. I am doing well at the moment, But I know I would be able to recover from this stupid Jet lag stupidness if I could just have some of that delicious nectar, but I wont. I don't have a very addictive personality, so if I actually want to give something up, I almost certainly can - I believe this to be one of the reasons behind my detachment to stuff. Like physical possessions - of which I have little. Though another reason behind this could be the fact that possessions annoy me, they make people to absorbed in things that they forget about important things, they live life for the stuff, and not for life. In Australia, i visited the richest of the rich places, and I mean filthy stinking rich - there were people with luxury cruise ships sitting next to there fleet of airships, on there helipad in their massive backyard on the ocean. They were loaded. While there I saw an assortment of boats for sale, these boats were beautiful and massive, and I just thought about how cool it would be to own one and just live on it in the middle of the ocean, detached from the rest of the world, but then it struck me that the people who own these multi-million dollar vessels have far too much money for that, they would only take these ships out once in a blue moon, and forget about it the rest of the time. So no, I don't want one of these ships, not if it means that I become more obsessed with my love for money and things that my love for people, life and experiences.

Still very tired, So I'll leave this here.

Jet-Lag

I can't sleep (jetlag?) and I just want to write.

So apparently I got an award from a school I went to for a year and, being honest, didn't put much effort into  stuff there. Is that a statement about the quality of the school or my genius? =P
I started writing a novel the other day, I'm only a couple of pages in - I'm writing in by hand so I'm not distracted and wont go back and edit entire sections. This book is going to be a full novel of drafted crap idea that (maybe) one day will become something a bit more fleshed out. I don't want to give away any information about it though because a) nobody actually cares anyway and b) It's an idea that I don't think people would understand coming from me unless you knew me.
A couple of weeks ago I made a post about my life, a sort of crash course of me - the post came from me when I was overly stressed, very upset and not really in a fit state to be sharing my feelings with the world. For the time being I'll leave it up on here, but If at anytime I feel like it is not what people need to see and know about me then I will take it down. I don't regret those feelings, I simply regret sharing them.
My parents are separated  and I think any child of divorce will tell you, when parents slit up they change drastically and rapidly. The changes are continuing even after, what? 3 years maybe? And I'm just tired, that's all - I'm tired of being used as a weapon to attack each other, I'm sick of the swings in attention I get, and I'm sick of not being treated the way a normal kid would be. Lets just say I had a...different childhood to most. It's moments like these that I truly and wholly wish, from the bottom of my being that I could believe in some higher being - God. I honestly wish I could so that I could pray and ask for help, and more important forgiveness, but I can't, because there is no way for me to undo who I am or rewire the way I think. Don't get me wrong though, I don't think religious people have it easy, no - they have to deal with more or less the same stuff as everyone, but they always, no matter how hard life gets, they always have (or at least believe they have) someone watching over them, to talk to, help, and love. That's something I deeply envy, but also believe can be obtained by finding a 'soul mate' or 'true love' and being with them - ok, maybe not quite the same.
Liking someone and knowing you can never tell them, or know if they could like you back, or all the 'normal' stuff...well it sucks. People say that these situations don't exist and that you should always follow your heart, but honestly, if there is even a small chance of it leading to hurting someone I care about, then no, I will not do it. I would rather smile, and act like all is fine, and maybe even tell a few lies to keep the act up. Because that's what friendship is right?
Next year I'm staying here, getting a job or doing a course, or both, I don't know. I'd like to get a flat and get some freedom, I'd like to do this with friends, but the likelihood of this happening is slim. I mean, firstly I don't have a lot of friends, and then a few of those I do have are moving away, then of those who remain, there is a group of people who have already got everything sorted out perfectly and then the rest, who are content on staying with their parents for another year - I can't understand how they could consciously choose that, but who am I to judge.
I went to Australia, of the noble learning that I bring back with me, there is one that hits home harder than the rest - I need to start living, like properly living before the opportunity is taken away from me. I also learnt to only travel with people who treat you like an equal, and have qualities that you look up to - Friends.
Speaking of Friends, I haven't seen them - any of them, for a while...Too long by my count. It'd be nice to catch up with them. end of the world thing? Christmas? New Years? My Birthday? You don't really need an excuse to see friends. They've seen each other lately, it's just that I've been overseas that I've missed them.
I haven't really talked about Australia, I'll do a detailed post some time but heres the summary:
-I High Fived a Sting Ray
-Patted a Kangaroo
-Held a Koala
-Got Swooped by a bat
-Told off by a Magician
-Went to a Christmas in the park event (Turned out to be very Christian, Still great though)
-Hugged a Vampire
-Met the Flash
-Got saved by Superman
-Saved Superman
-Rode a Duck into the ocean
-Found Condoms on the beach
-Met a fortune teller who wore a bad Wig (HI JOY!)
-Bought a Greek coin that had been fashioned into a ring (For ironys sake)
-Bought some art
-Bought a video camera
-and a kindle
-Won a Squid
-Bought some cups
-Did a loop on a slide
-Picked up a Jellyfish
-Touched the butt Boat
-Ate the hottest Jerky ever
-Gave up V
-Had a Slurpy
-Found out my blood pressure (It was bad news...Having a stroke is imminent =P)
-Traveled from 0km to 110kph in 2 seconds
-Bought the key to Arkham Asylum
-ADVENTURE TIME MERCHANDISE!
-Saw a stunt show
-Watched the sun rise at3:30am
-and set at 6:00pm

Thats all the interesting stuff I can think of right now, I'll do more later.
Starting to feel tired now, I'll update with more soon enough.

I'm home, and the flight attendant didn't even say welcome home =(

I just got back from Australia today. Wow, it was great. I am tired though and I really can't be bothered spending too much time blogging about everything that comes to mind.

My phone got broken by Australia though, so theres that, and I missed so much fun stuff going on here while I was away which is somewhat upsetting. I also came back to the sudden realization that I need a job, considering I have no more financial support from my parents. fun stuff. So I guess I need to get a job and go to Ucol. All I really wanna do at the moment is get out of here, I mean move out. I know it would be cheaper not to, but I think it's something I just need to do. Also, I want to see my friends, It's been ages, seriously.

I'll blog a bit more later about everything that's going on, and there's a lot, I mean, I thought traveling is supposed to broaden the mind and make everything clear and more obvious, and In a way that happened, but I find myself more sure about things that make me confused and it's just annoying. But whatever, I'll write about it another time.

ALSO - I'm thinking of starting a proper vlog thing, not sure about it at the moment though, I need people to help me pleeeeeeeeees

Summary of my life

This is a long post, but it's worth reading to the end...enjoy.

To start this story, i am going to need to give a bit of a background. So here goes:

I was bullied in Primary School, not looking for sympathy or anything, it's just what happened, it happens to people all the time, I'm nothing special. The people who bullied me were a year older, so finally in year eight I had a bit of peace from getting attacked. In year eight i had to choose which high school to go to, I pretty much had two ideas of what I wanted to do, either go to a school called Boy's high, an academy type institution thats rules and values were so strict and out of date it doesn't even make sense anymore, or another school caller Freyberg High, a lower pass rate, sure, but this school had different values such as free expression, and creativity and all the rest. unfortunately, a decision that I thought was my own was not, and i was sent to the former, where I was dressed in grey, forced to march and salute be quite and walk in line, oh, and bullied again, because hat's where the same people from primary went a year before me, and no, they had matured over that year at high school like you would think they would've so i was doomed to have 4 more years minimum of them abusing, smashing, and mocking me. Over the course of the four years I spent at this school I made some new friends, not close friends, but friends none-the-less, so I was fine, though I never stopped wanting to go to Freyberg. At the end of my first year at Boys high, we found out my sister was pregnant - she was two years older than me and had a child when she was sixteen. This was somewhat stressful, but nothing too big or anything, and nothing to complain about. So this child came along somewhere around mid second year at boys high. In my third year (year 11 for those who get that system) a lot happened. First, my two dogs died, this may not seem that bad or huge, but these were my first pets, and the first to die, they were two German shepherds, brother and sister. The older, the male, had to be put down due to losing a lot of control over his hind legs, he was about 12 years old. The other dog, who was younger, though we had for longer, died two weeks later at home, she just shut down because she missed her brother, she was somewhere around the age of 10 or 11 at the time. For the latter, I came home from school one day, walked up the drive to see her laying on the lawn, this wasn't unusual, what was is that she woundn't get up like she normally would when I arrived, she just sat there looking at me. She didn't have the energy to walk, so I carried her inside and sat with her until she died at about midnight. My mother was there but my father wasn't, he had gone to Wellington a few hours earlier because he got a call that his Mother, my grandmother, had been emitted to the hospital and was in the ICU. Long story short, the doctors, and everyone, thought she was going to die, but somehow, after several weeks in the hospital, and her entire family being stressed and scared and all the rest, she pulled through, and all was well again. Until several weeks later, I don't know exactly how long but it wasn't more than a month, my parents had a huge fight and split up. I didn't see my father for a few months after that. Then there was my forth, and finial year at Boys high, though, I didn't know that at the start of the year. It was a calm year at first, it was the year of the world cup, and the government thought it would be fun to fuck with the term times, meaning that there were weeks where the teachers were forced to fin in whole topics that couldn't be missed - I missed those weeks. Why? My Grandfather, on my mother side, who had been dying of cancer for about 5 or 6 years at the time (he was told he had weeks 6 years prior, he was a fighter) was on the way out, I went to visit him for about a week during a school time, my Nana and aunts said that when I was there he seemed to be a lot better than he had the previous weeks, he was walking around and talking, but he clearly wasn't quite the same as he used to be. After that week i was at school for about a month before he began to get really bad and I went back down to Blenheim for two weeks to see him before he died, and ultimately attend his funeral. It wasn't until Christmas until we scattered his ashes. I now need to rewind about 6 months to the end of the first half of the school year, me and my 'friends' had a falling out, and my that I mean I stood up for someone, and sure, they stopped abusing said person, and began to abuse me - being honest, this, coupled with all of the other events I have mentioned and some others, made me almost give up on everything entirely, I legitimately began to lose emotional responsiveness, which I didn't get back until the following year, and even now, I am still rather detached. It's because of this that I didn't, and couldn't cry or even show sadness at my grandfathers deathbed, even though I was there holding his hands moments before he died, I didn't cry when they took him out of the hospice, or when he was laying in a box in front of his friends or family, or when they took him away, or even when we scattered his ashed and said goodbye for the last time. I did terrible in my exams that year, as apposed to the year before when I did dead average, this year I failed all over the place. And that brings me to this year - 

This year I had decided to go to a different school, the school I wanted in the first place, I went to Freyberg. I knew other people who were also making the switch from boys high to Freyberg, and fortunately they didn't hate me, nor me them. I even signed up to go on a camp trip in the first month of school. i knew some people at Freyberg already, they were a year younger than me, but they were willing to be my friends. And for the first couple of weeks that's who I hung out with at school, but then there was camp. Leading up to camp there were several meetings and all that other junk they make you do. Now, at one of these meeting a friend of mine from boys high, not close friend mind, but still friend in my opinion, walks in with a group of his friends, and i was just jealous. I just remember being jealous and a bit upset with myself for being incapable of making friends on my own. I also remember thinking that one of his friends was rather attractive...but that's somewhat irrelevant at this point. Anyway, Camp. So i get to school with my pack, ready to get on the bus, there were two, and I just picked one because I only knew a few people and i was too award to check whether they were on either of the buses, fortunately, when I got onto the bus, I saw my friend from boys high, who was sitting next to a girl, and surrounded by other people he sorta knew I guess, there was a free seat across the isle from him so I sat there. We were talking a little bit, though he was more preoccupied playing weird games on his phone with the girl next to him, I also got talking to a couple of the people around him, then a guy came and sat next to me. I knew this person. i had talked to him a couple of times and hung out a bit on our free period, so it was fine. The bus gets going and we all are just talking and having a good time, the guy who sat next to me starts being weird, so I moved seats, now sitting next to this girl who I know nothing about except that she is a friend of a friend and that, being honest, is attractive - yea...this story is suddenly awkward, anywho...If I recall, i manage to upset her somehow, for which i felt terrible, but also, being the awkward person I am, and ever more so back then, I handle it terribly. But she's not mad or anything, upset was probably the wrong word to use just now. so we get to the camp venue, and unpack and immediately we have to go a goddamn walk through the bush. I walk with these people I just met / hardly know, it's a good time, all is good. The next day however...we climb a mountain...yea. So we're climbing up this mountain and this girl, whose name I didn't even know starts walking with me and talking to me and stuff like that. When, I actually just want to walk with the girl I met on the bus. But that's not how it worked out...this is taking a long time so long story short, the girl who was walking with me likes me - and from what I gather it was initially in spite of bus girl (Can you tell i'm trying really hard not to use names because it has to be that way). Just to be clear, I did not like this new girl who walked with me - I was simply too awkward to say anything like "hey I like someone else" or "I don't like you, go away". Spoiler alert, I let it get out of hand and just....bad bad bad. So to put this quickly and bluntly, because this is making me uncomfortable - I ended up dating this girl, somewhat reluctantly, but even though there is social anxiety and other things involved, it takes two to tango, and I accept my role and my actions, however stupid they were. After camp, I started hanging out with this new group of friends, they were good people and my own age and all was well. The weekend after camp was my seventeenth birthday, I spend the entire day painting and constructing sets for the latest city theater musical, 'Buddy'. Because my father wanted me to. He then proceeded to only acknowledge that I was a year older, and not that it required any other recognition or celebration. but that's not important, what is, is that the next weekend, I was put in the actual show, where one again I was awkward and didn't talk to people much for a while. I had to sing and dance and act in that show, my friends didn't come to see me though, but that also, is not important to the story. Over the two week holiday period, I had non stop rehearsals and then shows, day after day. At the time, I was still technically in a relationship with the girl from school, but I was unable to see her over the holidays. At one of the cast parties, a dancer from the show he I was sitting nest to, took my hand and held it. The next day was the only day off for us over the holidays. That was the day that I broke up with my girlfriend, and to this day I feel terrible about that relationship. Two days later this girl who was holding my hand a few days previous kissed me, I kissed back, but the details aren't overly relevant. At the closing night after party, it became relevant that this girl wanted to sleep with me, which I'll tell you right now, we didn't...no no no no no no no...no. no. nope. We did see each other a couple of times after the show, but it didn't really go far. That's the last relationship in this story. After breaking up with this girl from school...things were a little...hostile...I didn't like anyone for the longest time after that, I don't think it was until the break before the forth term that I realized I liked someone...well maybe two people. Which isn't a great place to be. But lets step away from romance for a minute and talk about family, this year, my sister got pregnant again, and is yet to have the baby, and my parents started using me (the only child left living at home since their separation  as ammunition to get at each other, while neither of them truly caring about my needs. My Father got a girl friend who became his fiance' and they are set to get married mid next year. My mother has a long term boyfriend as well. That's actually all I really care to talk about on the home life front...School next I guess, I was doing well for a while, but then forth term came and I started to lose it, and ultimately, i am almost certain of my failure for the year. I lied, there is one more thing I want to mention about my home life - My soon to be step family, I have talked about them before, in anger, I suppose, they aren't that bad, except for the sister, who is a year younger than me, she just attacks me whenever she can, and just genuinely hates me for no apparent reason. I guess the parents saw this, and thats why, straight after my finial exam, they sent me to their small house in a mountain base town with my two step sisters to be. The thing is, being in this abysmal place made me miss a gathering of my friends, and from what I gather, that annoyed people, are they pissed? do they hate me? Have I upset people? I don't know, I hope not. That brings us to now, I miss my friends, who, being honest, I may not see some of them for a very long time, but hopefully I will see them again. This is something that has brought me closer to being scared than anything else ever has. I don't want to lose those I love - that is my only true fear really, everything else is tiny compared to this. in a few days I'll be in a different country, away from my friends, for ten days. I'm sure it will be fun, but still...I have left a few things unanswered in this story, and a few things left out completely. To answer a few things, the two people a began to like at the end of the year, one is someone I haven't mentioned in this story, and have known for several years, and the other is someone I have mentioned in this story. Do I like them now? well one of the people I liked was also like by a friend of mine, so I did my best to try and forget about liking her, because...well, I guess I thought It was the right thing to do by my friend who liked her. And the other girl, I guess so, I mean, there hasn't been some defining moment where I realized I didn't...
Some of the stuff I have missed out are things like boring things that don't really effect the story, and then some things that do effect it greatly, but I still cannot bring myself to tell to the world. I think I have said everything I wanted to in here...I mean, I don't think this would change anyone opinions of me for the better, it actually sort of makes it sound like this year has been all about relationships, it hasn't trust me, i just wrote more about them because I guess they make the story more interesting. I don't know, things are a bit of a mess at the moment. I don't know what else to say, so i'll leave it here.

Suckiness

To be honest, I feel like crap.

Social awkwardness and anxiety sucks.
Living with people who hate you sucks.
Disappointing people and accidentally being a total douche to your friends sucks.
Failing level 3 sucks.
Not having a job sucks.

I think it's safe to say that things aren't going very well at the moment, the annoying thing is that due to point 1, I am unable to let people get to know me very well, so even if I were to explain what was going on, I don't think people would quite get it. I know there are people doing a lot worse than me, and are having a harder time for suckier reasons, but I guess those people can be stronger than me, because they have skills, talents  things to rely on. What do I have? not a lot to show for myself after thirteen years of education.

I should start from the beginning, it could take some time, but I think it's about time I told people - or person - or anonymous internet people, my story, and why I am where I am right now.

Yea, I think I will do that.

The end.

I feel thoroughly screwed...I have no idea how or what I am going to do. Without even noticing I have removed so many options, and I am so close to being trapped into a small box with limited, crappy options. I have no money, not enough formal education to qualify me for anything, nowhere to go, and really no friends... that's a bit harsh, but I have no one to help me at the very least. I wish I could find someone in the same situation as me, so we could at least work together or something, but to be honest I don't think anyone would jump at that opportunity, I mean yay, an annoying, unqualified kid with nothing to show for his life, not even a licence or a job. I have contributed nothing to anyone, and I haven't even had a good time meanwhile.   I'll be honest, there aren't many options for me here...My mind is scrambled, it took me like 20 minutes to get this much text out, It usually takes me 5 minute to finish a longer post.

Oh well.

                                                             

                                                  The end.

Consciousness Ramble

Did you know that every seven years none of your cells are original from seven years ago? By that I mean not one of your cells has been a part of you for more than seven years, you are a new you after that period of time. I mean you have the simple stuff like taste buds only take about ten days to be renewed and replaced, organs such as a liver and kidney takes longer, then things like the spine take a few years. But after seven years, we are not at all the same as we once were, and yet we are exactly the same. That leaves the question, who or what are we. I used to think that we were our brains, I mean it made sense, you remove any part of your body and replace it with someone else s, you are still you, but if you swap brains with someone, then you are suddenly you in different body. But that idea isn't entirely compatible with the fact that we are constantly being refreshed and renewed, even our brain is getting 'replaced'. There are questions I have that can probably never be answered, like what shape is our consciousness, that may sound strange but surely there is some sort of energy pattern or field, and why can't we see the grid that it hangs to?

Our consciousness has no senses, well none of the standard five anyway, it cannot see, hear, touch, taste, or smell because it doesn't have the receptors necessary to do so. But then it also can't think, which explains why it dies with the body, it's kind of ironic, our consciousness stops being conscious when we die. I think it is rather obvious that our conscious requires a brain and body to work. I mean, without a brain what is it? energy maybe? A cloud of energy using a natural vehicle that requires energy to operate? weird thought. What I mean is that we are not our brains, our brains are just our hard drive, you remove the hard drive from a computer, and i'ts still the same computer. Think of it this way, your operating system is stored on the internet, when your computer is on, it is linked to the internet and the operating system there is telling the computer what to do (True, you are telling the operating system what to do further  but that's irrelevant in this analogy). Now if we take this back to my point on cells, say that over a year you decided to upgrade your laptop, first the ram, then hardrive, motherboard, graphics and all the rest, by the time you completely finished upgrading, there is no a single original part on the computer, but when you start it up, it still has the online operating system (ignoring the fact that it would have to be configured to do so, again, not relevant to this analogy) all of the files are the same and everything. But if this laptop gets destroyed, run over by a drunk cow driving a lorry, then the operating system now has nothing to work off of, and is gone.(dude, just ignore all the online backups and multi-device technologies). That's dying, when you die, your brain shuts down because the rest of your body can't sustain it, so your consciousness can no longer use it, and thus is no longer conscious, because it no longer has the ability to process thoughts.

That's how I view this anyway, I know most people don't believe in simple scientific consciousness, but rather a soul or ghost you, that operates the body as a physical form, and when it dies they leave it behind and go into an afterlife without it. I mean, your operating system isn't going to continue to remember the time or too back up you files periodically without the computer, but okay, if that;s what you choose to believe  I am not going to argue with you. There is no proof in any direction.

This has been a strange post, I am sorry...but not really.

They mean well

I know this may just sound like some stupid teenage angst, but people can be assholes, particularly family, particularly a family that is composed primarily of people who aren't your family and never will be. But that's not their fault, they can do nothing to become my family, so I can't be angry about that. What I reserve the right to get pissy about is that they are unintelligent and I am surrounded by them. So I can say something, and if one of them doesn't understand, they will all gang up on me like a pack of wolves and tell me I'm wrong. Oh, so you don't need a spacesuit in space? Oh, Star-Wars tells you so, okay then it must be true. And the stupid rituals, like picking on each other, then if I enter the room and say so much as a word, suddenly I'm annoying them with all of this arguing, fantastic. Or reusing towels over and over and over again, before they finally end up filthy and in the wash, I understand that maybe this is common practice for some people, but I don't like that idea, that idea makes me feel dirty, so why don't I get to make the decision on whether or not I do that? I guess they are talking about having to do a lot of laundry, except no, because I  always do my own washing, I just do. But for some reason they are allowed to ask me to do a load of their washing, it's not like it's everyone's washing that needs to be washed, no, it's half a load of one persons washing, that I am being handed. I can't refuse or argue, no, because if I have the nerve to do so then apparently I'm not pulling my weight...right okay then. They also make up things about me, that they just for some reason think are true...and then start laughing at me for things I have never done. There are medical professionals in this little group that some people like to call my family, but if I have something medical wrong that I ask about, sure, they'll tell me exactly what their diagnosis is, but they will offer no solution, medicine or advise a trip to my doctor. I'm seventeen, they are suppose to care about me, and help me. Not tell me whats wrong and expect time to take care or me breaking - I don't want to get into whats wrong, but I can assure you it isn't going away. So I've just stopped telling them these things, and because of stupid circumstances, that means they don't know some pretty major things that they probably would want to know, if they cared. Everything I just said, can be put down to just being in my head, especially this last thing, which ironically is the one that I know is defiantly not just a delusion; One of my parents has always had a hard time relating and getting on with me, I can't blame 'em, I'm weird. But what used to piss me off, but I've just sort of grown accustomed to is the fact that they find it easier to relate to other kids, and treat them better than me, and take an interest in their lives but not mine, I don't see a problem with giving an heirloom that, by tradition, would have been passed down to me, the direct male heir, but whatever, give a relic of the grandfather I never got the chance to meet to someone else. Ok, so maybe that has started to get on my nerves again lately, but that's just because next year is coming up really fast, and It just kinda annoys me that a 'step sister' is going to get more support from one of my parents than I will, and I'm a blood relative goddamn. This sort of thing honestly wouldn't worry me so much, if it wasn't for the that the I was bluntly told "I'm not going to help you as much as the others" meaning that I no longer could afford to follow my fucking dreams, do what I want, get a half decent education and not end up like them. Well fuck, that's the closest I've ever been to crying in several years, and I have been in some fracking emotional situations.

Goodnight

I'm good with words, there I admit it. At will I can produce words and make language my bitch. At the moment though, I cannot manage to string a simple sentence together to give anyone an idea of how I feel. It just can't be done, that's why music is so great, I passes into you, overriding your brains desire for a common language, words to make a picture - Instead, music paints an emotion, and emotion can be applied to anything. And you being the clever brains that you are try to look for patterns and relevance. Even though there is no intended thing that is expected of you to think about while listening to most songs, you find something, and suddenly the song sings to your being, your soul if you believe in that sort of thing. When this happens, the song can express you far more than words ever will. This is how I feel right now:

I just started typing for some reason

Maybe it's true, maybe this is all I was put on earth for. But this is one big step to take, for a maybe anyway. I should back up a bit and tell you whats going on. I'll start from the beginning  My name is Jake Saunders, I'm 23 years old and I grew up in a small town, tiny. My whole life my dad pressured me to become a Mechanic like him, he was always pushing for it. I never figured why. Maybe he needed the extra set of hands around the shop, or maybe he couldn't stand it if his son were to outshine him, become a fancy doctor or some shit like that. He was an asshole anyway, The day I moved away from the godforsaken hell hole remains the best day of my life. I went from tiny town to big City, moving to the capital was a big step for me, I saw my first prostitute, got mugged for the first time, all the usual stuff. I had planned to get an apartment and study at the local University, but as it happens, its not that easy. First there was the money issue, so I ended up living above a crack den because I was barley making minimum wage at the gas station, it was a shit job, but it was all that was hiring. University was out of the question at that point. But I learnt a great deal while working and 'Pump-me-ups' fuel stop' things that no fancy school can teach you.

While I was woking at the gas station, I met a guy, he worked with me, went by the name Jared Lewis. He was an interesting guy, obviously a stoner but that didn't bother me. We were good friends, right off the bat, he invited me over for a spliff, I invited him to my youth group, we just got along despite our differences. Jared had long Greasy flat hair that reached smoothly passed his shoulders, he was pencil thin and had a rough goate. One day at the Gas station, he came into work with his arm in a sling and a broken nose. When I asked him about it he simply said that there was a 'misunderstanding' and he got back to work. I deemed it a good idea not to push further  So for a while, the two of us lost our connection, we were becoming distant all because I felt I had to hold my silence in order to hold onto my only friend. I was doing well at the former at least, well that's until it happened again, this time he came into work in a taxi rather than his usual pimp mobile with scratches across his face and a limp. I had to ask him about this, I just had to know what was going on. But this time he just smiled at me and said "Man she was pissed!" He smiled and went back to his position of sitting behind the counter, reading a magazine and drinking a slushy, unfortunately that day a car pulled up in the station  not just a regular car, the unmistakable car of Paul Blyth, the owner of the Gas chain, I knew who he was, Jared knew all too well who he was, but he didn't change his stance, he remained relaxed and unprofessional  Jared was fired that day, and in a last ditch effort to talk to him, I asked what he was going to do with his life now that he was homeless and unemployed. And right then he told me the best life lesson I would ever hear. "The thing about life" he said to me coolly "is that, no matter how much shit you cover it in, no matter how close to the end you get - It always goes on." Jared Killed himself three weeks later, something about a Meth deal gone wrong. I still miss that chilled out bastard.

A few months after Jared's death I quit my job at the Gas station, I couldn't go on there, everything made me upset that I would never blaze up with my best friend again. I was 21 at the time, and had saved a fair sum of a few thousand dollars, So being the responsible adult I now was, I took it to a casino to win my fortune. I didn't quite win a fortune, but I got enough to afford the down payment on a nice house. it wasn't until after I payed my first mortgage payment that I realized it was in an old person district. My neighbors were an elderly couple, Seamus and Pauline. They were great people, but - I'm sorry, I do not care to reminisce  it is too sad, because this story, Just like Jared's  ends in Death. I fear if I dwell to much on the good times, it may make this ledge I am standing on fall behind me alarmingly fast. So I'll cut to the end. Seamus died on a Thursday  he was sitting in his favorite chair at home, Pauline was in town at the time, I was sitting in the living room with him when it happened. I had though he was only having a nap, it wasn't until it was too late that I realized he wasn't breathing. The Funeral was three days later, Seamus sure did have a lot of people who cared about him, there were flowers and singing, and the sharing of stories of Seamus being Seamus, two days later Pauline followed her husband to the grave, it wasn't a suicide or anything, she just missed her dear old husband that much. God, I wish I could care that much about someone and all that crap. I moved away shortly after, I had no intention of meeting the dusty new neighbors.

By the time I was twenty three I finally got into University, and was doing alright for myself, I was studying law and accounting, but I untimely grew to hate law and became an accountant instead, I was an apprentice book keeper at some retarded company that had cubicles and everything. That was where I found my true calling, I had been a christian my whole life, but I wasn't so big on the community stuff. But whilst working at this stupid place I met a girl, her name was Melissa and we fell in love, so much so that she broke her vow to celibacy till marriage for me. Shortly after, she felt so guilty she asked for forgiveness from the lord and left the country to do missionary work. On my twenty third birthday I did the same, Not that I was following her, because I wasn't, I needed this for myself, I needed to experience the world and get some perspective, while at the same time helping others on the path. I ended up in America after it all was over, nearly twenty three, but not quite, I wasn't just In america, I was trapped there, while I was away doing the 'lords work' my bank went under, I lost everything. I called home, to ask for help, I needed to get back home, when I did, I found out that my mother had committed suicide after miscarrying my brother, my dad had tried to contact me for nearly a year, but Since I was overseas he could never reach me. That was yesterday, and here I am now, ready to end it all, because where is he? Where is the God I worshiped all this time and did all that work for? Doesn't he care about me at all? Everyone I every loved is gone, everyone. Now I am back at square one, the same place I was when I started my journey, except this time I am in a strange country, trapped, and unable to get a job because of my shitty visa, and if that's not enough, I can't simply get taken home my the government because, being a missionary and all, the American government though I was a good enough guy to deserve to stay here as long as I want, but not good enough to work here. This is total Bull crap! Melissa is married, she met a guy on her adventures to third world countries, a nice Christian man. SHE is living her happily ever after now. Why not me? I deserve some happiness, don't I?

Whut?

I have to edit a short film today, but I'm just not feeling it. That may sound stupid but I don't think I'm up to it at the moment. I think that if I were to edit it now, then it would be a very different film to what it should be, and that is not good at all. You can often see that in Television shows and the like, there would be episodes, or sections, where the style completely changes to very happy or sad, because of the state of mind of the director or writer or editor. I don't want that to be evident. I don't want people to see these things about me.

Staying here seems like whats going to happen. I guess I forgot that I am not destined for exceptional things, I am just one of those people who's place in this world is a mundane, underpaying job that progresses me from day to monotonous day. So no, I will not be doing anything exciting, because I wont be doing anything that actually matters. I am replaceable, it sounds depressing, I know, but I think it is oddly motivating, if i am replaceable then I better not put myself in a situation to be replaced. Everyone is the same like that. Nobody  is unreplaceable, that would be ridicules, if anything, people can always be replaced with someone better. Hm, I appear to have gone off on a tangent...I forget where I was going with this. 

Theres not much time left, a few weeks maybe, then everyone is just going to up and go. Leaving me behind, I guess the only thing I can do is make it last, and enjoy it while its here, and when the time does come, I can't, or rather, shouldn't, let the people who do stick around drift.

I don't even know what I'm on about anymore.

Hey Blog, I sorta forgot about you...

Hello my lovely blog that I have neglected slightly. What reminded me of you? Well, no you at all, other people did. I wanted to see what was up, and even though those people probably wont read this, I mean, nobody does anyway, I wanna say thank you to them. Without me realizing, they have made my existence a little less...harsh, I guess. I don't know how to explain myself much better than that. Me not realizing it...that's a lie, kind of anyway. I did notice, but I suppose I didn't know exactly what it was. I ended up liking someone, just because they were...kind...? That's seems a little messed up to me.

I Have learnt something over the course of the year, and guess I have changed a lot too. What I have realized is that there are people who really suck. But there are also people who are amazing, that make you want to be around them and restore your faith in humanity, and just because these two types of people have something in common, namely a religious belief, doesn't mean that the belief itself is bad, just those specific people. This is coming across wrong, I know it. What I want to say is this: Religion is what it is, nothing more, nothing less, there are many of them, and I believe none, but I am yet to meet someone with a stupid belief, though I have met plenty of stupid people with beliefs. So that's a thing.

Me leaving for university is beginning to look impossible again, with a huge issue over money and stuff like that, I don't get the privileges my other two siblings got when they left home, so the cost of my accommodation  tuition and everything else is all on me. Sucks, but it is how it is. Originally I was thinking of going to wellington for University, but since I didn't get into a hall of residence and the likelihood of me getting in on account of being on a waiting list is slim, as I mentioned, I can only afford the bare minimum - if that. So my options are as follows: attempt to get a cheap flat in one of the most expensive cities in New Zealand, and still have money for school, food and everything else - Stay here in Palmy, maybe get a flat, and go to University here. Getting a flat certainly would be easier here I suppose - Or run away, I know this seems like a stupid joke of an answer, but I think If I where to just up and go, leave everything and everyone behind, maybe that would be good for everyone. Bottom line is that I need help, this is where God would come in if I believed in him and he liked me. So maybe I should just ask people for help. People, help me? Please?

I have more to say, but that can wait for later

I can Bitch if I want to

You're are going to be alive for every day of your life, i think everyone should just accept this and take actual responsibility for all the moronic crap they do, instead of trying to justify it with illogical confidence, by saying 'Yolo'. And if people keep saying this and we run out of ideas, then they should all be shot as soon as they say Yolo, as a preemptive attack on idiocy. Call it...survival of the fittest. The fittest being the people who aren't stupid enough to say Yolo.

Hahahahaha. I'm socially retarded and cowardly.

Story Time!

I often write stories, and give up and delete it a couple of pages in. So recently I have moved onto short stories, they are all crap and I still delete them, so I have decided that I should keep them - for what other reason than for shits and giggles. So here is the most recent piece of trash literature:

                                                                                                                                                                      

You have such a mundane life, day after day, a monotonous cycle of meaningless tasks that benefit you how? And I mean really benefit you, how is that going to help you when you are on your deathbed, waiting for the grim reaper to collect you. How are these memories going to comfort you? Last week you went to the store to buy some milk. You died on the way, nothing exciting, just a car accident; your mangled remains where pulled from the wreckage, on the way to the morgue your heart started and you woke up, in the end your body suddenly became a warrior, fighting for you because it’s the only thing it could do.

In hospital your heart stopped seven times, pieces of shrapnel from the crash found their way to you lungs and heart, and over the course of your visit you were sent to surgery four times. That’s why you are here now, you are ‘recovering’. The human body is a remarkable machine, and people never have, and never will understand the body to its full potential. Scientists have theorised that there is a whole dimension of time sitting above us, if humans were to reside there, in theory, they would be able to travel through time itself. But alas we sadly cannot. But if you could, you would; you have so much to regret, so much you would change if you had the chance. But now it is too late, the doctors were in here a few minutes ago to tell you that they didn’t think you would make it to the end of the week - that sucks. You knew that all that drinking would catch up to you, now that all this medication is ripping through your liver. Back in college you loved the beer though didn’t you?  Fifteen years eight months and three days ago you were at a party, you were more intoxicated than you had ever been, and you weren’t even done. You drank for three days straight after that party. But you know all of that, even though your memory is still a little fuzzy, the morphine the doctor gave you isn’t helping you concentrate either. But what you don’t know is that once you fell asleep during the drink-a-thon, you choked on your own vomit and died in your sleep, but when you woke up you continued drinking. You didn’t even realise what had happened.

Some people believe that there are multiple different realities all stacked up next to each other, the ones closer to us are very similar to our own, but as they get further away, the differences become more dramatic and obvious. When you were seven your dog ran away and you never saw it again, but in one of these neighbouring realities, your dog grew old living with you and died a month and two days before your seventeenth birthday. Speaking of being seventeen, that was how old you were when you fell into a deep depression and tried to overdose on pain pills, you had a whole box of the stuff. The last thing you remember is foaming at the mouth – after that you began convulsing and stopped breathing. You were lying in bed when that happened; you woke up in the morning and couldn’t bring yourself to tell your parents what you attempted to do. Someone must be looking out for you, huh? Because you have had some luck with all of these ‘resurrections’.

Your parents never told you this, but it’s about time you knew. You were born at home, too quickly for the midwife to be there so it was just your mother and father in the house. Somehow you managed to get your umbilical cord wrapped around your neck, you came out purple. Your father tried to resuscitate you but was unsuccessful, when the midwife arrived fifteen minutes later; he tried as well, before finally pronouncing you dead. Five minutes after which you took your first breath. Your parents said it was a miracle, and it was; and that is why you were baptised, and was forced to go to church every Sunday until you left home. Looking back it seems a bit counterproductive doesn’t it? Church one of the key reasons you are an atheist today. I can tell you this, if being a Christian wasn’t forced upon you as a kid, you would have a very different spirituality than you have now; Hell, your parents would still be talking to you as well. They were just upset is all; they put so much effort into trying to raise you as a good Catholic child, you not being a theist like they wanted just crushed them.

Well, that’s all I have to tell you about your past, I hope that you can understand. In your Sixty third year, your heart will give out, you will be walking down the street in your neighbourhood when it gets you, but it will be over an hour before anyone finds you, and by then it is too late, you will be getting up and walking away. When you are sixty-two it will be too late, that’s why I am here talking to you. Don’t let it take that long for you to realise. Your friend Cameron died last week. Bitten by a poisonous snake if I recall, he was on his fourteenth world trip, this time to the South American rainforest. He had lived, made his mark and had his fill. The universe let him have his peace. Call it god, call it science, call it what you want, the bottom line is that it’s time. Wake up. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

A little bit of nothing

Last day of term today. It was...good. I always feel like something exciting should happen on the last day, and then I remember that I could make things interesting, just say what I think all the time and I I will surely cause some sort of controversy. It's all standard teenage secret stuff, but that's the best kind. I wanted to today, talk I mean. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, because even though I wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions for a few weeks, they would be there when we go back, I would have to face the music at one point or another, and I'm a coward like that, because It could go well or terrible.
But i'm tired, I want to sleep but I can't so that is all for today.

Emotion! - A work of Semi-fiction

You know what the worst part about going to a new school is? New people, conversely that is also the best thing. New people are great I mean, you get a chance at a first impression and all the rest, you make new friends, new enemies, whatever but you also can also meet that one type of person. That one type of person that you will meet so few of in your life that people sometimes think there is only one of these people each they call them 'the one'. I call them awesome people. Kinda different viewpoint but whatever. These people are just those that you want to be best friends with, and spend so much time with, even though you cant. These people are the kind that you fall for oh so easily, the ones that have no flaws in your eyes, just cute little habits. Then why is it so hard to tell these people how you feel? It's there, it's obvious, but it's complicated, more complicated than anything, because of one simple fact. Just because someone is your 'one' doesn't mean that you are theirs. That, my friends, is on of life's most horrible truths. Sure people will tell you that the criteria for the one is that they feel the same way about you, but that is just ridicules, because if that were the case, there would be no romance, no chase, just pure, blind love. The older you get, the stronger these connection become, as a child they are hardly even present, then puberty happens and suddenly there they are, not those...I mean the love thing...filthy bastard. And as you grow older, you become more alone, you have more time to understand the feeling, to long for it, search for it. So that when you finally feel it, you know exactly what it is, because unlike when you are a teenager, it is full blown love at first sight...well, not quite, but you feel it pretty early on in the meeting them period. Anyway, to go back to my original point, when you feel this, even lightly as a teenager, no matter how stupid or insane it is, you can't help but feel it. Because it's not all sunshine and lollipops, it's pain, and that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt. No matter how many times you are lucky enough to find a person like this, and unlucky enough to be destroyed by these feelings, nothing is worse, nothing, than knowing that they probably don't and most likely ever will, feel the same way.

String Theory

I have sorted out my hall of residence thingy for university, or rather, I handed the job off to the careers adviser  She didn't yell at me like I though she would, I'd never met her and I was surprised to find that she was lovely and took care of everything. even though my chances of getting a place in a hall are bleak, I like the fact that I at least gave it a go. Also, I now know what I need to do to get into University, some of it seems easy, other stuff looks a little more difficult. But I got six credits in one class today, all I need to do is finish two more assessments and that class is done for the year. we had a meeting about a leaving school today. All  I can think is that suddenly I want more time. I have wanted to grow up and leave school my whole life, and now that it is almost over, and I am at another school, I want more time. I just don't think I am ready to say goodbye to people, maybe forever, that I just met this year. I know it is common for people to go through something like this. High school hasn't changed, it is still as harsh and unforgiving as it has always been, but now that it's almost over, I'm starting to pick at the good things that I realize I am going to miss. The hardest part is the people though, I mean there are people I can't wait to get away from, but there are also others who...yea, anyways This is all that has been on my mind recently, I walked out on a maths lesson to get some of this university stuff done - Because I AM over high school. It's been nearly thirteen years. Thirteen. It's weird to think of it that way, and I've just signed up for another few at university. Well done Tom, good job at your hypocritical logic. Why do you experience time faster when you get older, I don't like it, I don't even mind the whole dying thing, but It's the people part of time, they are going to leave me, which I accept - I have come to terms with the fact that people I love are going to die, but I don't think I'm ever going to be OK with having to put other people through that when I go. Of course I am being rather optimistic in thinking that anyone is going to care that I'm dead, but whatever. Perhaps it would be better, leaving this world quietly, not making a fuss or worrying anyone, not leaving a scratch on the face of humanity. But that means I would be doomed into a painfully dull life, or an extraordinarily exciting one, I can't decide which. I'm sort of just bouncing around topics here, but whatever, this blog is for me and my amusement, and I guess the amusement for any beautiful people who decide it is important enough to read. But I am not destined for great things, I'm not going to bring world piece, start WWIII or invent the next big thing, I am going to have fun, that's it. Because my belief, or lack thereof, can be somewhat depressing for someone who does nothing for the human race in his lifetime, sometimes I wish there was a god, or at the very least, I wish I could believe in one, so that I can be grateful or humble or any of that other stuff. But no, who I am is a choice, not sculpted by any religion or God, and that is what I want, that is what I think is best. It's quite funny, I used to love debates about religion, I don't even know why, I guess I just wanted to be smug in the fact that I 'knew' I was right no matter what, I don't know. But now, I really don't want to, talking about religion actually sometimes annoys me, it's not me being a closet Atheist or anything. I'm not, infact I am proud to be so. It's just that I understand, I guess I get it, why people believe, how they believe. They, for the most part, see something amazing and beautiful, and I want nothing to do with even attempting to take that away from them. In some way I am envious, but at the same time not. I don't know, It's weird and complicated and heavy. Religion really is too heavy for something so simple, and light like this. I'm thinking of minoring in religious studies at University, I think having no religion would be helpful when studying others, I find peoples beliefs interesting, but not so much the depth of consequence of them. Religious wars aren't that interesting to me. The thing is that I think religious studies will help me on my way to my dream of becoming the ultimate person reader. That may not be a career path but I think it would be cool to be able to understand people with such depth, even if you have never met them. That dream is kind of ironic considering my social standing with the world, I am a certifiable socially awkward penguin. So there is a party at my place tomorrow, not my party though. It's my Dad's engagement party, I think that means I am obligated to make an appearance, so there will be a bunch of people dressed all nice and proper, then me. In a hoodie, and sneakers. Smooth. This IS just a string of random though, but I can't stop adding too it, once you start spilling brain shit all over the internet it becomes incredibly hard to stop. I will stop now...for the time being anyway, otherwise I may get all open and emotional and awkward...maybe or something.

So, I slept in. by a lot. But before I finally passed out from exhaustion last night I came upon an idea of going to university next year, instead of the planned trip to England. The weird thing is that I find the idea of university much more exciting than going overseas. I don't know why. I suppose it is just that I just want to fit in, just move on. I'm not sure but even though I spent the day finding out how financially impossible University is, I still want to do it, I want to try at least. Even though I am late to come to this realization, Considering applications for a hall of residence closes in a week. I think I can do it, and it will be worth it in the long run. Maybe I don't need a hall of residence, I mean, I could try for a flat even though it would be more expensive overall. But if I had a flatmate, then it wouldn't be so bad. But everyone I know who is going to University has already sorted themselves out.

Blog Myself to Sleep

I am very tired. Very. Tired. I am mental when I am tired, as In demonstrated to some people yesterday, when I was still awake at 7am. When I'm tired, I wouldn't say I talk more than normally, but I talk more substance, more truth, more...secrets. I mean there are still things that I would never say when I am tired because even in a state of exhaustion, I can still see the line, no matter how blurred it gets. I should do some more productive things with my time, anything beats sitting here on my computer, just thinking about people - or person. It's strange how one person can throw us through a loop like that, well, me anyway. I don't know about other people. One person who you just think about because, for no other reason but you want to. I am so very tire, this is annoying because I write things without thinking. Just came to a horrible epiphany that I should go to university next year, despite the fact I haven't planned for it...I am so confused, and I'm running out of time.

Shooting Star

Yesterday I was at a friends birthday party, we were all outside in a field planning to play a game of spotlight. It was late, like near midnight. I got bored of the conversations and just looked up, not unusual, I like looking at the stars, it sometimes helps to give me perspective. But anyway, I looked up, and within a second, I saw a shooting star. And yes, I made a wish, even though I don't necessarily believe in that sort of thing, I figure there is no harm in honoring an age old tradition. This is the first shooting star I have seen in my life, and I can't help but think that when we are on the spot, have a second to choose a wish, we go to a very self centered area and wish for something stupid. While I am not going to say what I wished for in that tiny moment in time I was given to make a wish, I do believe I was selfish, and asked for something that is probably wished for far too much and it doesn't benefit anyone, apart from the wisher, and even then, it's not a lot. But I did, I made a wish, and I don't know, I mean it's the type of wish that I might never know if it will come true, it could come true without me even knowing - and that would be worse that not getting the wish at all. I don't know, at the party I was reminded all to mush that I am not overly liked or appreciated, that I am very alone, and separate, but not the only one, and also, that I am still a kid. But at the moment I do, I feel lonely, and I think that is worst feeling in the world. Being alone means that there is nobody at your side to help you, not even someone to talk to about your day and troubles. That is the most tragic part, especially when you know someone that you want to be able to talk to, not even anything romantic like dating, just someone who you want to talk to about things, but you don't feel like they will accept you when they realize all the crazy that goes on in your head.

Thoughts from the past.

I Wrote this month ago and I have no idea what I was talking about. I mean, I understand the conception I conveyed in this post but I honestly, for the life of me cannot understand what led me to feel the feeling that led to writing this post:

It's funny how you can think you know something and you've seen it before, but then suddenly realize that it is in no way a good representation of what you thought it was.
People aren't genuine, I thought I had seen genuine happiness, I thought it could just come along one day and be gone the next. I though a simple trip to an amusement park could make someone truly happy. I was so very wrong, in such a way that I couldn't realize I was wrong until I had seen true happiness, see people so happy and content with what they had, where they were in their lives at each moment. I had never seen, and certainly not felt, happiness like this before. It's so strange. But once you know, everything has to change. It's seems like a tiny thing but it's not, it's huge. It has changed how I see things. But I like to think of it as an improvement - A year when your views on the world havn't changed once is a year wasted.

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It's strange that you can be so sure of something one day, be bristling with these emotions that you think you will never forget, and they will never go away, but then you can look back, days, weeks, months, even years later, and not even remember what it was all about.

I Am Weird

I've always had this alternate me. A guy that I made up who was me, only not. He was funny, charming, and not the least bit socially awkward. He was me, but perfect, the perfect image of who I wanted to be, but never could be. The best I could ever do is emulate him, be as much like him as I could, but that would never last more that a couple of hours, and even then I wasn't exactly a good representation of my alter ego. On some of my spectacularly creative days, I would accidentally slip into character, I couldn't help it. But in these cases I was perfect, because I didn't realize I was doing it, It just happened. I, for all intents and purposes him, who most definitely is not me. In hindsight, I probably confused people with my changes - I wouldn't go as far as to say this is multiple personalities, this is different. I don't hear voices in my head, and I don't change into an unrecognized character regularly without noticing. Lately I have found that he is still there. Not that the idea was even gone, just that he was not prominent for the longest time. But what I have noticed is now I have control over it, it is no longer a he or a being, but a simple idea, vivid and powerful enough to make me able to emulate it, make it my own personality, but transparent enough to not get lost or confused in it.

The reason I have this, and what I posted last night on my mind is because of school. The ideas that we are going over in english who is actually crazy? It got me thinking about myself, about things I know, have experienced but could never tell anyone - not in person anyway. I'm a coward like that. But what I know is that I am not crazy, I see the world clearly. Sure my perceptions are a little different to other people, but if that makes me crazy, then I feel sorry for the sane people. I can't imagine myself being as blind and stupid about life as the 'normal people'.

This blog makes me feel guilty. Its like i'm breaking some rule or something. But thats irrational and I know it. I guess I'm just worried about what would happen if people I knew read this, what would they think? I'm not the same person inside and out. But who is? A Shrink would probably tell me that I am protecting myself with this external persona - to protect the real me, someone who has never truly surfaced. I think that Shrink would be right in some sense...Damn, reading psychology textbooks seems fun, but I find I just look to far into things. I think I should start to be the third, or 'original' me. Could be fun to throw myself into that. I feel like if I were to just be completely honest about everything ever in the history of the world, then It would be easier to accept myself and my situation, and be able to better myself anywhere I see fit. I don't know though. Maybe I'm trying to be mature beyond my years. I'm still a teenager, I still feel like the worlds ending when my crush doesn't text me back, or when people laugh at me. I still get paranoid and self conscious. This all reminds me of a quote from John Green, He once said:

“I try to live life so that I can live with myself.”