ADULTHOOD!

I really don't know what to say. Apart from the same thing I have been saying on here for a while, this is no more a blog than it is a collection of Parrot Stories. I have gotten into the course at ucol, I hope I can enjoy it, but the idea of giving up 3 more years of my life keeps running through my head and making me scared, I mean, what if it's a waste? But that's what I have talked about before, and repeating myself doesn't do any good apart from getting me wound up. I get wound up about situations quite easily, I mean, my father is getting remarried in a couple of months, and one of my new step-sisters is getting on my nerves so bad, I am on the verge disassociating myself with the lot of them, also, I know that they talk about me - I'll occasionally catch a whisper or something about me, not many pleasantries are passed either. But to be honest, I gain solace in the fact that I don't want or need the approval of uneducated gossips. That may sound mean, but I have spent enough time with these people to know that's all there is to them. Not all of them are bad, though, just a couple that are real nerve biters.
I want to move out of home as soon as possible, I think being more independent would be good for my mental health. I was talking to a friend about this the other day and he said if we could find some more people, and if he gets into his course, then he would flat with me - considering I don't know many people that are hanging around looking for flats, I don't think we are going to be flatting together anytime soon.
I had some Jehovah's witnesses return to my doorstep this morning, they came to talk to me a few weeks ago, and we had a civil conversation, which I did tell them that I was an atheist and believed in Science, so today they dropped off a booklet about why evolution isn't real. Yea...but I was nothing but polite to them, they're entitled to do their thing, just as I am mine.
Things are pretty much the dame as they have always been - I'm still broke, I still have social anxiety, though recently I have found ways to combat this, it's not entirely gone, but Progress is happening - and It is all thanks to an article I read about Daniel Tosh having social anxiety too. i am still so very alone =P - and I'm eight days away from being eighteen! Finally, though, I don't feel like I should be trusted with all of the responsibilities of being an adult. I mean, I had to enrol to vote the other day - Who's idea was it to let me have a say in who has control over this county!? Why am I allowed to own firearms? Buy alcohol? go to bars, and clubs and get hookers and  own a house...though none of this actually sounds appealing to me...not a big drinker, and I don't hunt, and I have no interest in catching chlamydia or getting a home loan to last a lifetime. ADULTHOOD!

The worst I have ever felt in my life, emotionally not painfully, is finding out that the people I had associated myself with for many years where very...bigoted - fun story: I stood up for someone they insulted and they didn't like that, so I pretty much became Hitler or something to them, and just like that I was alone and actually in pain (should be noted, both emotional and physical, in my defense I was outnumbered vastly).

I bring this up because right now I am at a close second, or maybe a new first, I don't know. But I feel different anyway, it's not quite so sharp and striking, more like a dull ache that continually reminds you that you are alone, and the people that are supposed to be your family are slowly but surely turning your brain to sludge and I actually think are trying to kill me...yea, that's a thing. But I honestly don't know if I am going to be able to cling so desperately to this shed of sanity and normality that I have barely done for as long as I can remember - I actually cannot do it anymore, maybe if stuff wasn't happening around me that I can't ignore, maybe if I could just sit here and concentrate on blocking the shit out, but that isn't an option anymore, like it has been previously. Doesn't help that I haven't seen a friendly face for months - it has just been a monotonous mesh of one thing to another, and a hell of a lot of waiting, just waiting, not for anything in particular. Just anything really, something to make me feel better, less along, less like an outcast.
I'm sort of blabbering now, probably not portraying myself as well as I'd like, or usually would - so that is it, all I have to say for now. Bye.

This has been a post

I had to sign a contract today, saying that I understand that taking out a loan to fund my study is going to ruin my life forever, that really sucked. It sucked because suddenly everything felt real, and it was like I was selling my life because it's what 'you're supposed to do'. I think it's bullshit that people are supposed to do anything. There are those who look for guidance from others, or even a higher power, and put some much faith in this thing that they are willing to resign their lives over to whatever they say, I thought about this for a while and got quite upset - it wasn't pretty =p . But I realized that, yes, there are people who believe that maybe a God is going to tell them what to do, or give them a sign - being an atheist, I felt sorry for these people who completely lacked control over their own existence, but then I thought about it and I just felt like a dick for even thinking that in the first place. Some people need that in their life, and whether their belief is true or not, it doesn't matter - because I am doing the same thing, I'm doing something I am moderately interested in because it is what I have been taught is normal and right. For some reason that reality doesn't matter to me compared to how much it worries me that other people, people I care about, are doing the same as I, but I'm a different person now, and I'm sure they are too.
I feel like my life is a mess before it has even started, I need a job, I need a licence, I need a flat, and I just need people - I literally go crazy without good people around me.
I don't know, I'm feeling weird tonight, I have spent the last few days alone and I think it's starting to affect me - all I know is that I have been thinking too much, and I miss people, though I have been missing people for a long time now. And I can't shake the feeling I'm going to be alone for a lot of my life.