Maybe it's true, maybe this is all I was put on earth for. But this is one big step to take, for a maybe anyway. I should back up a bit and tell you whats going on. I'll start from the beginning My name is Jake Saunders, I'm 23 years old and I grew up in a small town, tiny. My whole life my dad pressured me to become a Mechanic like him, he was always pushing for it. I never figured why. Maybe he needed the extra set of hands around the shop, or maybe he couldn't stand it if his son were to outshine him, become a fancy doctor or some shit like that. He was an asshole anyway, The day I moved away from the godforsaken hell hole remains the best day of my life. I went from tiny town to big City, moving to the capital was a big step for me, I saw my first prostitute, got mugged for the first time, all the usual stuff. I had planned to get an apartment and study at the local University, but as it happens, its not that easy. First there was the money issue, so I ended up living above a crack den because I was barley making minimum wage at the gas station, it was a shit job, but it was all that was hiring. University was out of the question at that point. But I learnt a great deal while working and 'Pump-me-ups' fuel stop' things that no fancy school can teach you.
While I was woking at the gas station, I met a guy, he worked with me, went by the name Jared Lewis. He was an interesting guy, obviously a stoner but that didn't bother me. We were good friends, right off the bat, he invited me over for a spliff, I invited him to my youth group, we just got along despite our differences. Jared had long Greasy flat hair that reached smoothly passed his shoulders, he was pencil thin and had a rough goate. One day at the Gas station, he came into work with his arm in a sling and a broken nose. When I asked him about it he simply said that there was a 'misunderstanding' and he got back to work. I deemed it a good idea not to push further So for a while, the two of us lost our connection, we were becoming distant all because I felt I had to hold my silence in order to hold onto my only friend. I was doing well at the former at least, well that's until it happened again, this time he came into work in a taxi rather than his usual pimp mobile with scratches across his face and a limp. I had to ask him about this, I just had to know what was going on. But this time he just smiled at me and said "Man she was pissed!" He smiled and went back to his position of sitting behind the counter, reading a magazine and drinking a slushy, unfortunately that day a car pulled up in the station not just a regular car, the unmistakable car of Paul Blyth, the owner of the Gas chain, I knew who he was, Jared knew all too well who he was, but he didn't change his stance, he remained relaxed and unprofessional Jared was fired that day, and in a last ditch effort to talk to him, I asked what he was going to do with his life now that he was homeless and unemployed. And right then he told me the best life lesson I would ever hear. "The thing about life" he said to me coolly "is that, no matter how much shit you cover it in, no matter how close to the end you get - It always goes on." Jared Killed himself three weeks later, something about a Meth deal gone wrong. I still miss that chilled out bastard.
A few months after Jared's death I quit my job at the Gas station, I couldn't go on there, everything made me upset that I would never blaze up with my best friend again. I was 21 at the time, and had saved a fair sum of a few thousand dollars, So being the responsible adult I now was, I took it to a casino to win my fortune. I didn't quite win a fortune, but I got enough to afford the down payment on a nice house. it wasn't until after I payed my first mortgage payment that I realized it was in an old person district. My neighbors were an elderly couple, Seamus and Pauline. They were great people, but - I'm sorry, I do not care to reminisce it is too sad, because this story, Just like Jared's ends in Death. I fear if I dwell to much on the good times, it may make this ledge I am standing on fall behind me alarmingly fast. So I'll cut to the end. Seamus died on a Thursday he was sitting in his favorite chair at home, Pauline was in town at the time, I was sitting in the living room with him when it happened. I had though he was only having a nap, it wasn't until it was too late that I realized he wasn't breathing. The Funeral was three days later, Seamus sure did have a lot of people who cared about him, there were flowers and singing, and the sharing of stories of Seamus being Seamus, two days later Pauline followed her husband to the grave, it wasn't a suicide or anything, she just missed her dear old husband that much. God, I wish I could care that much about someone and all that crap. I moved away shortly after, I had no intention of meeting the dusty new neighbors.
By the time I was twenty three I finally got into University, and was doing alright for myself, I was studying law and accounting, but I untimely grew to hate law and became an accountant instead, I was an apprentice book keeper at some retarded company that had cubicles and everything. That was where I found my true calling, I had been a christian my whole life, but I wasn't so big on the community stuff. But whilst working at this stupid place I met a girl, her name was Melissa and we fell in love, so much so that she broke her vow to celibacy till marriage for me. Shortly after, she felt so guilty she asked for forgiveness from the lord and left the country to do missionary work. On my twenty third birthday I did the same, Not that I was following her, because I wasn't, I needed this for myself, I needed to experience the world and get some perspective, while at the same time helping others on the path. I ended up in America after it all was over, nearly twenty three, but not quite, I wasn't just In america, I was trapped there, while I was away doing the 'lords work' my bank went under, I lost everything. I called home, to ask for help, I needed to get back home, when I did, I found out that my mother had committed suicide after miscarrying my brother, my dad had tried to contact me for nearly a year, but Since I was overseas he could never reach me. That was yesterday, and here I am now, ready to end it all, because where is he? Where is the God I worshiped all this time and did all that work for? Doesn't he care about me at all? Everyone I every loved is gone, everyone. Now I am back at square one, the same place I was when I started my journey, except this time I am in a strange country, trapped, and unable to get a job because of my shitty visa, and if that's not enough, I can't simply get taken home my the government because, being a missionary and all, the American government though I was a good enough guy to deserve to stay here as long as I want, but not good enough to work here. This is total Bull crap! Melissa is married, she met a guy on her adventures to third world countries, a nice Christian man. SHE is living her happily ever after now. Why not me? I deserve some happiness, don't I?
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