The worst I have ever felt in my life, emotionally not painfully, is finding out that the people I had associated myself with for many years where very...bigoted - fun story: I stood up for someone they insulted and they didn't like that, so I pretty much became Hitler or something to them, and just like that I was alone and actually in pain (should be noted, both emotional and physical, in my defense I was outnumbered vastly).

I bring this up because right now I am at a close second, or maybe a new first, I don't know. But I feel different anyway, it's not quite so sharp and striking, more like a dull ache that continually reminds you that you are alone, and the people that are supposed to be your family are slowly but surely turning your brain to sludge and I actually think are trying to kill me...yea, that's a thing. But I honestly don't know if I am going to be able to cling so desperately to this shed of sanity and normality that I have barely done for as long as I can remember - I actually cannot do it anymore, maybe if stuff wasn't happening around me that I can't ignore, maybe if I could just sit here and concentrate on blocking the shit out, but that isn't an option anymore, like it has been previously. Doesn't help that I haven't seen a friendly face for months - it has just been a monotonous mesh of one thing to another, and a hell of a lot of waiting, just waiting, not for anything in particular. Just anything really, something to make me feel better, less along, less like an outcast.
I'm sort of blabbering now, probably not portraying myself as well as I'd like, or usually would - so that is it, all I have to say for now. Bye.