I had to sign a contract today, saying that I understand that taking out a loan to fund my study is going to ruin my life forever, that really sucked. It sucked because suddenly everything felt real, and it was like I was selling my life because it's what 'you're supposed to do'. I think it's bullshit that people are supposed to do anything. There are those who look for guidance from others, or even a higher power, and put some much faith in this thing that they are willing to resign their lives over to whatever they say, I thought about this for a while and got quite upset - it wasn't pretty =p . But I realized that, yes, there are people who believe that maybe a God is going to tell them what to do, or give them a sign - being an atheist, I felt sorry for these people who completely lacked control over their own existence, but then I thought about it and I just felt like a dick for even thinking that in the first place. Some people need that in their life, and whether their belief is true or not, it doesn't matter - because I am doing the same thing, I'm doing something I am moderately interested in because it is what I have been taught is normal and right. For some reason that reality doesn't matter to me compared to how much it worries me that other people, people I care about, are doing the same as I, but I'm a different person now, and I'm sure they are too.
I feel like my life is a mess before it has even started, I need a job, I need a licence, I need a flat, and I just need people - I literally go crazy without good people around me.
I don't know, I'm feeling weird tonight, I have spent the last few days alone and I think it's starting to affect me - all I know is that I have been thinking too much, and I miss people, though I have been missing people for a long time now. And I can't shake the feeling I'm going to be alone for a lot of my life.
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