It's Christmas. yay.

There are times wen I am perfectly content with my situation and my life, I can be so blissfully optimistic. "I'll get a job, move out, save money and go to university - and I will fall in love along the way" that's how I wish I could see my life all the time, but that's not how I feel right now. I feel like I am a failure, barely have a high school level qualification, have no money, job or financial support from anywhere, no awards or qualifications that make employers want to hire me over anyone else. I have no direction, no drivers licence, and I just don't want to sit around for the rest of my life - but I just feel so stuck and alone and it sucks. I have mentioned many times before that I also don't have the option of flatting with other people, because all of my friends are all set and know what they are doing, and that doesn't involve moving out just yet, but I don't think I would survive myself, living another year with my parents - I'd probably hang or poison myself before Halloween, that sounds like a morbid exaggeration...but it really isn't far from the truth.
Being surrounded by people of many different medical qualifications and backgrounds is horrible, they care...but not quite enough to do anything. They will tell me that they are 99% sure I have depression, and that I definitely have social anxiety, and all this other crap that I feel like i was better off before I knew about, but then they offer no support, advise or anything - simply comments like "you'll likely be dead by 25" - I was actually told that, fantastic. I think it would be cool to be an author, though I hear it is a near impossible profession to get into, and isn't overly rewarding. I've always dreamt of being rich, and being able to run away and actually make a difference in the world, just leave this place behind and go help people. That's also something that will probably never happen, because that only ever happens to people born into the right kind of society, and I am a bit too working class for that sort of thing, working class, and yet cannot find any work...how depressing is that.

John Cusack

Wouldn't it just be so awkward if the world actually did end tonight, like against all odds and scientific - as well as religious - proof. That would be hilarious, I probably would die while lying on the ground in hysterics that the entire planets fucked up so bad. On the other hand...everyone would be dying...that would put a downer on the whole situation.

I wonder what John Cusack is doing right now? I mean, I doubt he actually believes in the end of the world happening today, only an idiot could, but to be fair, he spent months working on a movie about the subject, I'm sure he will be doing something interesting at least. Personally, I'm just sitting here, alone, in an empty house, on the internet - Just waiting for nothing to happen so I can see the Internets reaction, the go to bed. Because that's my life now, I realized that when I was filling out my immigration forms when I was traveling, they all ask for your occupation and that's when I realized that "Holy shit, I can't say student anymore...I'm unemployed". Not a great feeling to be honest, but it was a first so it was interesting none-the-less.
I love firsts, there is something oddly exhilarating about them, even the mundane things. I Like to think of a lot of things as firsts, just in different scenarios 'This is the first time doing X with this person' that sort of thing - Yes, i am aware of the sexual implication that may have implied...My bad...

Fishing Boat Proceeds

I got a new phone today, saw some friends, briefly, I was exhausted, and still am, from travel. I hate this tiredness stuff - I have sorta maybe kinda given up the one thing that was keeping me alive for the last few years - which is V energy drink. I am doing well at the moment, But I know I would be able to recover from this stupid Jet lag stupidness if I could just have some of that delicious nectar, but I wont. I don't have a very addictive personality, so if I actually want to give something up, I almost certainly can - I believe this to be one of the reasons behind my detachment to stuff. Like physical possessions - of which I have little. Though another reason behind this could be the fact that possessions annoy me, they make people to absorbed in things that they forget about important things, they live life for the stuff, and not for life. In Australia, i visited the richest of the rich places, and I mean filthy stinking rich - there were people with luxury cruise ships sitting next to there fleet of airships, on there helipad in their massive backyard on the ocean. They were loaded. While there I saw an assortment of boats for sale, these boats were beautiful and massive, and I just thought about how cool it would be to own one and just live on it in the middle of the ocean, detached from the rest of the world, but then it struck me that the people who own these multi-million dollar vessels have far too much money for that, they would only take these ships out once in a blue moon, and forget about it the rest of the time. So no, I don't want one of these ships, not if it means that I become more obsessed with my love for money and things that my love for people, life and experiences.

Still very tired, So I'll leave this here.

Jet-Lag

I can't sleep (jetlag?) and I just want to write.

So apparently I got an award from a school I went to for a year and, being honest, didn't put much effort into  stuff there. Is that a statement about the quality of the school or my genius? =P
I started writing a novel the other day, I'm only a couple of pages in - I'm writing in by hand so I'm not distracted and wont go back and edit entire sections. This book is going to be a full novel of drafted crap idea that (maybe) one day will become something a bit more fleshed out. I don't want to give away any information about it though because a) nobody actually cares anyway and b) It's an idea that I don't think people would understand coming from me unless you knew me.
A couple of weeks ago I made a post about my life, a sort of crash course of me - the post came from me when I was overly stressed, very upset and not really in a fit state to be sharing my feelings with the world. For the time being I'll leave it up on here, but If at anytime I feel like it is not what people need to see and know about me then I will take it down. I don't regret those feelings, I simply regret sharing them.
My parents are separated  and I think any child of divorce will tell you, when parents slit up they change drastically and rapidly. The changes are continuing even after, what? 3 years maybe? And I'm just tired, that's all - I'm tired of being used as a weapon to attack each other, I'm sick of the swings in attention I get, and I'm sick of not being treated the way a normal kid would be. Lets just say I had a...different childhood to most. It's moments like these that I truly and wholly wish, from the bottom of my being that I could believe in some higher being - God. I honestly wish I could so that I could pray and ask for help, and more important forgiveness, but I can't, because there is no way for me to undo who I am or rewire the way I think. Don't get me wrong though, I don't think religious people have it easy, no - they have to deal with more or less the same stuff as everyone, but they always, no matter how hard life gets, they always have (or at least believe they have) someone watching over them, to talk to, help, and love. That's something I deeply envy, but also believe can be obtained by finding a 'soul mate' or 'true love' and being with them - ok, maybe not quite the same.
Liking someone and knowing you can never tell them, or know if they could like you back, or all the 'normal' stuff...well it sucks. People say that these situations don't exist and that you should always follow your heart, but honestly, if there is even a small chance of it leading to hurting someone I care about, then no, I will not do it. I would rather smile, and act like all is fine, and maybe even tell a few lies to keep the act up. Because that's what friendship is right?
Next year I'm staying here, getting a job or doing a course, or both, I don't know. I'd like to get a flat and get some freedom, I'd like to do this with friends, but the likelihood of this happening is slim. I mean, firstly I don't have a lot of friends, and then a few of those I do have are moving away, then of those who remain, there is a group of people who have already got everything sorted out perfectly and then the rest, who are content on staying with their parents for another year - I can't understand how they could consciously choose that, but who am I to judge.
I went to Australia, of the noble learning that I bring back with me, there is one that hits home harder than the rest - I need to start living, like properly living before the opportunity is taken away from me. I also learnt to only travel with people who treat you like an equal, and have qualities that you look up to - Friends.
Speaking of Friends, I haven't seen them - any of them, for a while...Too long by my count. It'd be nice to catch up with them. end of the world thing? Christmas? New Years? My Birthday? You don't really need an excuse to see friends. They've seen each other lately, it's just that I've been overseas that I've missed them.
I haven't really talked about Australia, I'll do a detailed post some time but heres the summary:
-I High Fived a Sting Ray
-Patted a Kangaroo
-Held a Koala
-Got Swooped by a bat
-Told off by a Magician
-Went to a Christmas in the park event (Turned out to be very Christian, Still great though)
-Hugged a Vampire
-Met the Flash
-Got saved by Superman
-Saved Superman
-Rode a Duck into the ocean
-Found Condoms on the beach
-Met a fortune teller who wore a bad Wig (HI JOY!)
-Bought a Greek coin that had been fashioned into a ring (For ironys sake)
-Bought some art
-Bought a video camera
-and a kindle
-Won a Squid
-Bought some cups
-Did a loop on a slide
-Picked up a Jellyfish
-Touched the butt Boat
-Ate the hottest Jerky ever
-Gave up V
-Had a Slurpy
-Found out my blood pressure (It was bad news...Having a stroke is imminent =P)
-Traveled from 0km to 110kph in 2 seconds
-Bought the key to Arkham Asylum
-ADVENTURE TIME MERCHANDISE!
-Saw a stunt show
-Watched the sun rise at3:30am
-and set at 6:00pm

Thats all the interesting stuff I can think of right now, I'll do more later.
Starting to feel tired now, I'll update with more soon enough.

I'm home, and the flight attendant didn't even say welcome home =(

I just got back from Australia today. Wow, it was great. I am tired though and I really can't be bothered spending too much time blogging about everything that comes to mind.

My phone got broken by Australia though, so theres that, and I missed so much fun stuff going on here while I was away which is somewhat upsetting. I also came back to the sudden realization that I need a job, considering I have no more financial support from my parents. fun stuff. So I guess I need to get a job and go to Ucol. All I really wanna do at the moment is get out of here, I mean move out. I know it would be cheaper not to, but I think it's something I just need to do. Also, I want to see my friends, It's been ages, seriously.

I'll blog a bit more later about everything that's going on, and there's a lot, I mean, I thought traveling is supposed to broaden the mind and make everything clear and more obvious, and In a way that happened, but I find myself more sure about things that make me confused and it's just annoying. But whatever, I'll write about it another time.

ALSO - I'm thinking of starting a proper vlog thing, not sure about it at the moment though, I need people to help me pleeeeeeeeees

Summary of my life

This is a long post, but it's worth reading to the end...enjoy.

To start this story, i am going to need to give a bit of a background. So here goes:

I was bullied in Primary School, not looking for sympathy or anything, it's just what happened, it happens to people all the time, I'm nothing special. The people who bullied me were a year older, so finally in year eight I had a bit of peace from getting attacked. In year eight i had to choose which high school to go to, I pretty much had two ideas of what I wanted to do, either go to a school called Boy's high, an academy type institution thats rules and values were so strict and out of date it doesn't even make sense anymore, or another school caller Freyberg High, a lower pass rate, sure, but this school had different values such as free expression, and creativity and all the rest. unfortunately, a decision that I thought was my own was not, and i was sent to the former, where I was dressed in grey, forced to march and salute be quite and walk in line, oh, and bullied again, because hat's where the same people from primary went a year before me, and no, they had matured over that year at high school like you would think they would've so i was doomed to have 4 more years minimum of them abusing, smashing, and mocking me. Over the course of the four years I spent at this school I made some new friends, not close friends, but friends none-the-less, so I was fine, though I never stopped wanting to go to Freyberg. At the end of my first year at Boys high, we found out my sister was pregnant - she was two years older than me and had a child when she was sixteen. This was somewhat stressful, but nothing too big or anything, and nothing to complain about. So this child came along somewhere around mid second year at boys high. In my third year (year 11 for those who get that system) a lot happened. First, my two dogs died, this may not seem that bad or huge, but these were my first pets, and the first to die, they were two German shepherds, brother and sister. The older, the male, had to be put down due to losing a lot of control over his hind legs, he was about 12 years old. The other dog, who was younger, though we had for longer, died two weeks later at home, she just shut down because she missed her brother, she was somewhere around the age of 10 or 11 at the time. For the latter, I came home from school one day, walked up the drive to see her laying on the lawn, this wasn't unusual, what was is that she woundn't get up like she normally would when I arrived, she just sat there looking at me. She didn't have the energy to walk, so I carried her inside and sat with her until she died at about midnight. My mother was there but my father wasn't, he had gone to Wellington a few hours earlier because he got a call that his Mother, my grandmother, had been emitted to the hospital and was in the ICU. Long story short, the doctors, and everyone, thought she was going to die, but somehow, after several weeks in the hospital, and her entire family being stressed and scared and all the rest, she pulled through, and all was well again. Until several weeks later, I don't know exactly how long but it wasn't more than a month, my parents had a huge fight and split up. I didn't see my father for a few months after that. Then there was my forth, and finial year at Boys high, though, I didn't know that at the start of the year. It was a calm year at first, it was the year of the world cup, and the government thought it would be fun to fuck with the term times, meaning that there were weeks where the teachers were forced to fin in whole topics that couldn't be missed - I missed those weeks. Why? My Grandfather, on my mother side, who had been dying of cancer for about 5 or 6 years at the time (he was told he had weeks 6 years prior, he was a fighter) was on the way out, I went to visit him for about a week during a school time, my Nana and aunts said that when I was there he seemed to be a lot better than he had the previous weeks, he was walking around and talking, but he clearly wasn't quite the same as he used to be. After that week i was at school for about a month before he began to get really bad and I went back down to Blenheim for two weeks to see him before he died, and ultimately attend his funeral. It wasn't until Christmas until we scattered his ashes. I now need to rewind about 6 months to the end of the first half of the school year, me and my 'friends' had a falling out, and my that I mean I stood up for someone, and sure, they stopped abusing said person, and began to abuse me - being honest, this, coupled with all of the other events I have mentioned and some others, made me almost give up on everything entirely, I legitimately began to lose emotional responsiveness, which I didn't get back until the following year, and even now, I am still rather detached. It's because of this that I didn't, and couldn't cry or even show sadness at my grandfathers deathbed, even though I was there holding his hands moments before he died, I didn't cry when they took him out of the hospice, or when he was laying in a box in front of his friends or family, or when they took him away, or even when we scattered his ashed and said goodbye for the last time. I did terrible in my exams that year, as apposed to the year before when I did dead average, this year I failed all over the place. And that brings me to this year - 

This year I had decided to go to a different school, the school I wanted in the first place, I went to Freyberg. I knew other people who were also making the switch from boys high to Freyberg, and fortunately they didn't hate me, nor me them. I even signed up to go on a camp trip in the first month of school. i knew some people at Freyberg already, they were a year younger than me, but they were willing to be my friends. And for the first couple of weeks that's who I hung out with at school, but then there was camp. Leading up to camp there were several meetings and all that other junk they make you do. Now, at one of these meeting a friend of mine from boys high, not close friend mind, but still friend in my opinion, walks in with a group of his friends, and i was just jealous. I just remember being jealous and a bit upset with myself for being incapable of making friends on my own. I also remember thinking that one of his friends was rather attractive...but that's somewhat irrelevant at this point. Anyway, Camp. So i get to school with my pack, ready to get on the bus, there were two, and I just picked one because I only knew a few people and i was too award to check whether they were on either of the buses, fortunately, when I got onto the bus, I saw my friend from boys high, who was sitting next to a girl, and surrounded by other people he sorta knew I guess, there was a free seat across the isle from him so I sat there. We were talking a little bit, though he was more preoccupied playing weird games on his phone with the girl next to him, I also got talking to a couple of the people around him, then a guy came and sat next to me. I knew this person. i had talked to him a couple of times and hung out a bit on our free period, so it was fine. The bus gets going and we all are just talking and having a good time, the guy who sat next to me starts being weird, so I moved seats, now sitting next to this girl who I know nothing about except that she is a friend of a friend and that, being honest, is attractive - yea...this story is suddenly awkward, anywho...If I recall, i manage to upset her somehow, for which i felt terrible, but also, being the awkward person I am, and ever more so back then, I handle it terribly. But she's not mad or anything, upset was probably the wrong word to use just now. so we get to the camp venue, and unpack and immediately we have to go a goddamn walk through the bush. I walk with these people I just met / hardly know, it's a good time, all is good. The next day however...we climb a mountain...yea. So we're climbing up this mountain and this girl, whose name I didn't even know starts walking with me and talking to me and stuff like that. When, I actually just want to walk with the girl I met on the bus. But that's not how it worked out...this is taking a long time so long story short, the girl who was walking with me likes me - and from what I gather it was initially in spite of bus girl (Can you tell i'm trying really hard not to use names because it has to be that way). Just to be clear, I did not like this new girl who walked with me - I was simply too awkward to say anything like "hey I like someone else" or "I don't like you, go away". Spoiler alert, I let it get out of hand and just....bad bad bad. So to put this quickly and bluntly, because this is making me uncomfortable - I ended up dating this girl, somewhat reluctantly, but even though there is social anxiety and other things involved, it takes two to tango, and I accept my role and my actions, however stupid they were. After camp, I started hanging out with this new group of friends, they were good people and my own age and all was well. The weekend after camp was my seventeenth birthday, I spend the entire day painting and constructing sets for the latest city theater musical, 'Buddy'. Because my father wanted me to. He then proceeded to only acknowledge that I was a year older, and not that it required any other recognition or celebration. but that's not important, what is, is that the next weekend, I was put in the actual show, where one again I was awkward and didn't talk to people much for a while. I had to sing and dance and act in that show, my friends didn't come to see me though, but that also, is not important to the story. Over the two week holiday period, I had non stop rehearsals and then shows, day after day. At the time, I was still technically in a relationship with the girl from school, but I was unable to see her over the holidays. At one of the cast parties, a dancer from the show he I was sitting nest to, took my hand and held it. The next day was the only day off for us over the holidays. That was the day that I broke up with my girlfriend, and to this day I feel terrible about that relationship. Two days later this girl who was holding my hand a few days previous kissed me, I kissed back, but the details aren't overly relevant. At the closing night after party, it became relevant that this girl wanted to sleep with me, which I'll tell you right now, we didn't...no no no no no no no...no. no. nope. We did see each other a couple of times after the show, but it didn't really go far. That's the last relationship in this story. After breaking up with this girl from school...things were a little...hostile...I didn't like anyone for the longest time after that, I don't think it was until the break before the forth term that I realized I liked someone...well maybe two people. Which isn't a great place to be. But lets step away from romance for a minute and talk about family, this year, my sister got pregnant again, and is yet to have the baby, and my parents started using me (the only child left living at home since their separation  as ammunition to get at each other, while neither of them truly caring about my needs. My Father got a girl friend who became his fiance' and they are set to get married mid next year. My mother has a long term boyfriend as well. That's actually all I really care to talk about on the home life front...School next I guess, I was doing well for a while, but then forth term came and I started to lose it, and ultimately, i am almost certain of my failure for the year. I lied, there is one more thing I want to mention about my home life - My soon to be step family, I have talked about them before, in anger, I suppose, they aren't that bad, except for the sister, who is a year younger than me, she just attacks me whenever she can, and just genuinely hates me for no apparent reason. I guess the parents saw this, and thats why, straight after my finial exam, they sent me to their small house in a mountain base town with my two step sisters to be. The thing is, being in this abysmal place made me miss a gathering of my friends, and from what I gather, that annoyed people, are they pissed? do they hate me? Have I upset people? I don't know, I hope not. That brings us to now, I miss my friends, who, being honest, I may not see some of them for a very long time, but hopefully I will see them again. This is something that has brought me closer to being scared than anything else ever has. I don't want to lose those I love - that is my only true fear really, everything else is tiny compared to this. in a few days I'll be in a different country, away from my friends, for ten days. I'm sure it will be fun, but still...I have left a few things unanswered in this story, and a few things left out completely. To answer a few things, the two people a began to like at the end of the year, one is someone I haven't mentioned in this story, and have known for several years, and the other is someone I have mentioned in this story. Do I like them now? well one of the people I liked was also like by a friend of mine, so I did my best to try and forget about liking her, because...well, I guess I thought It was the right thing to do by my friend who liked her. And the other girl, I guess so, I mean, there hasn't been some defining moment where I realized I didn't...
Some of the stuff I have missed out are things like boring things that don't really effect the story, and then some things that do effect it greatly, but I still cannot bring myself to tell to the world. I think I have said everything I wanted to in here...I mean, I don't think this would change anyone opinions of me for the better, it actually sort of makes it sound like this year has been all about relationships, it hasn't trust me, i just wrote more about them because I guess they make the story more interesting. I don't know, things are a bit of a mess at the moment. I don't know what else to say, so i'll leave it here.

Suckiness

To be honest, I feel like crap.

Social awkwardness and anxiety sucks.
Living with people who hate you sucks.
Disappointing people and accidentally being a total douche to your friends sucks.
Failing level 3 sucks.
Not having a job sucks.

I think it's safe to say that things aren't going very well at the moment, the annoying thing is that due to point 1, I am unable to let people get to know me very well, so even if I were to explain what was going on, I don't think people would quite get it. I know there are people doing a lot worse than me, and are having a harder time for suckier reasons, but I guess those people can be stronger than me, because they have skills, talents  things to rely on. What do I have? not a lot to show for myself after thirteen years of education.

I should start from the beginning, it could take some time, but I think it's about time I told people - or person - or anonymous internet people, my story, and why I am where I am right now.

Yea, I think I will do that.